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Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Finacee Cleared Blog
I decided to use this blog for things I can vent about with others that will not blow up in my face with my fiancée. My other private blog will be my true feelings about everything. I just want to vent tonight as I am about to lay down that I have not had sex in at least 4 days. Not acceptable to me. Especially three of those days were great days for us. Like my counselor explained to Jerome something that may not naturally pop into his head he is going to have to make a conscious decision to act in order to do the things that make me happy. I am worried about him getting complacent again about certain things. I am too tired to talk about anything else on either blog so I am just gonna try to sleep.
Wedding talk and preparations re in the works….so we will see what my girl can do for $3000.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Sexy Bikini Girl Nude No Bikini at the Beach Photo of Sexy Bikini Sea Girl
sunday march 14th
2:05 PM
The story begins at the beach. She was sitting and waiting for some simple miracle. Some slowly moments were passing by. Her bikini was swimming on my imaginary sea. It was a pure accident. I’m Nigel Tomm and this is my new photo installation art (Most Famous Photography by Most Popular, Interesting & Influential Portraits of Sexy Amateur Nude as People or Famous Photographers in One Person Series). Title:
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Sexy Bikini Girl Nude No Bikini at the Beach Photo of Sexy Bikini Sea Girl (2010).
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“ Nigel Tomm’s photography edits the art of natural sexuality. “
— Sigmund Freud
Back home...
So I’m back home now, with my hair in rollers and packed into a hooded dryer. I’ve just taken my Metformin, and in an hour will take progesterone. Surprisingly, I haven’t felt the need to raid the trying to conceive or other baby sites. I did so much of that years ago, back when I used to hopefully think I was pregnant at the slightest twinge. The difference? Back then there were real men. Real as in they existed, which is not necessarily a testament to their manliness. Even when I had sex with condoms, I would hope that they’d break. It never happened. And now my man comes in a tiny vial.
I have given up entirely on the possibility of marriage. It’s interesting that I no longer fantasize about that. I am in love with my best friend, but it is unrequited — he is not in love with me, nor will he ever be, and as far as our friendship is concerned, he means more to me than I to him. So maybe, if it were him, and if he could bring himself to be monogamous, and if he weren’t married already, then marriage, yes. Those “ifs” will outlast my lifetime. They are impossible. So I settle for the piece of him that I have, which are like flashes of light in the darkness, and struggle not to let my love consume me.
He asked me recently why I fight it. I told him it was hard to explain, but it is not. It’s like burning. Falling in love is like bursting into flames. I am absolutely consumed with him. He is in my thoughts always. At night, I hear his name as I fall asleep. He will be my last great love as far as men are concerned. After him there will be no other. So I burn, but it has lately become tempered. I no longer touch him with burning fingers, try to envelope him from afar. He is no less on my mind, I just don’t convey it to him as much.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
notions
i had a rather ‘high energy’ day yesterday.
NOT HIGH HIGH BUT !havent had one for God knows how long. went running in the morning, which was though. havent been for like two weeks, so i felt it … and i have been smoking far too much recently. wasnt abele to run a good distance… neither good time… but done a bit at least. and as i had good energy that fact couldnt piss me off. good sign. than did some amazing YOGA.
watched the movie Into The Wild the night before and it was very inspiring. it was talking to my soul directly. somtimes i wish i could do exactly the same. i would love to leave everything behind and just go away… far away… where never been before… just be on my own and contemplate on life itself and figure out who am i really… that would be one of my wish for Genie.
Sometimes i just feel this i cannot and want not live in this rotten society. in this rigid, corrupt, surveillance society where consumption rules and money is indispensable. carrying the burden of your past, coping and trying to escape of your upbringing… you are always judged by your past… FOREVER
(what have you accomplished??? who are your parents??? what do they do??? why did you do this ‘n that??? WHERE ARE YOU COMING FROM???…. BLABLABLA…)
but WHAT IF you just want to escape … you dont want to have a past – utopian a bit… – …
just live for NOW for the MOMENT and look into the FUTURE with excitement… why do we always have to be reminded of our past…
its fucking NOT RELEVANT… not any more… its only past experience
it stays with us anyway cos thats why we are WHO we really are, the consequesce of our past is ourself therefor there is no fucking reason in vomiting the past all the time…
not to mention the dreams or rather nightmares… in my case that can srcew up my day big time… and i have it fairy often… dreams about past.sucks
apparently, its a coping/dealing mechanism… to tackle unfinished businesses with yourself… WHAT IF I DONT WANT TO FACE WITH THEM AGAIN, JUST LEAVE THEM BEHIND… UNFINISHED! and than what… well, than my mind gets screwed up … and here comes contradiction! my mind should obey to me, since my feelings, reactions, notions are my decisions …
CLEVER MIND! HARE KRISNA!
i dont want to deal with those stuff anymore… had enough of bad memories, ex-boys, weaknesses… neither do i want sexual dreams. no! i want to live them not dream of them or yearn for them.
dont want to be in LA-LA LAND.
only if i intend to do so, while being awake and being able to control my adventures in LA-LA LAND
WELL im clinically mental so this crap is OK from me. – what does society think about this??? … well, i dont belong to those who cares… – and probably thats one reason of the many which determines the fact that i sleep with a squeeze, soft, little black button eyed puppy… my little LOVE
and here am i again talking about loneliness… my perpetual issue
enviousness towards those in relationship… SOMETIMES
INCONSISTENCY -> my world, solitary
when i go for a run and its rather a fight than a pleasant exercise i feel jealous … in ideal situation your daily exercise is provided by sex, which is of course much more than simple body workout… its just one of its diverse virtues… more like a cure for everything…
am i in lack of sex???? ahhhhhh… most definitely
YES
therefore, i do run and i do yoga! better than nothing… i need it inasmuch as air and light
…
Sex: God, Gross or Gift?
You can hardly go to the shop, watch a movie, or surf the net, without sexual innuendo’s infiltrating something in view. In light of the sexual revolution in our day, and in light of the multiplicity of ridiculous opinions concerning sex from main stream society, here’s a Biblical view of sex for our sex hungry generation to feed on.
In a time where sex and all its trimmings are put into the forefront of our consideration on a daily basis, how shall we think & talk about this thing – sex – which grips & fills longings of young & old in our day? Through media, principalities, advertising, work place conversations, social settings and the inner thought life of Billions, the issue, experience & prospect of sex is huge focus of daily life across the earth.
The general opinion of secular media, in it’s fallen confusion, has exalted sex to a god like status i.e. sex should be sought after at all cost’s, money should be given to it, personal behavior should be conformed to attract it, it should be thought about often & it should be shared with many people. In doing this, our pop-culture, has reduced it to some common yet exiting thing that should be given out freely “so long as long as your safe & self-protective about it” – i.e. condom, pill, abortion. Other’s, in legalistic confusion, or because of bad experience, have defamed it or reduced it to being some necessary evil which should only be done to procreate. All the while God Himself has declared to us what it is, why it is, how it should be done, and what it’s designed for.
These are the three prevailing sentiments in our day concerning sex. 2 of them are wrong & 1 is right.
God: Firstly & wrongly, the majority of our generation hail sex as “God”. Money’s given to it, it’s sought after, read about, prepared for, thought about often, and shared with many. These are all behavioral patterns that follow the devoted worshiper’s of the many world religions across the earth. Every year, some 800,000,000 pornographic dvd’s are purchased in the U.S. alone. It is a billion dollar a year industry and brings in more per annum than the NBA, NHL & Major League Baseball combined. This is ridiculous, defaming & destroying to the pinnacle of God’s creation – the human body which was created to be filled with the glory and pleasure of God.
Sociology stats say that those sexually active from a young age have higher rates of depression, suicide, drug abuse, drunkenness, family problems, pregnancy, & abortion than many other social group.
Scripture gives us the progression of how sex wrongly becomes an idol to man.
Romans 1 say’s that “claiming to be wise, (humanity) became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images (pornography in our day) resembling mortal man…they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever… For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error…” – Romans 1
The progression of how sex becomes God to humanity is this: when God’s glory (His nature & ways) is not acknowledged, enjoyed and worshiped at the forefront in the human mind & heart, the way is made for the eyes to be turned & focused upon lesser things and thus eventually adored & followed in the place of God – in our day, as it was in Paul’s, it’s sex and the human body.
Gross: Other’s respond to this and say that “sex is not God it’s gross.” This is the second prevailing sentiment. Many religious people, misguided youth group cultures, and many who have been tragically affected by sexual abuse tend to see sex as gross & defiling. Legalistic people see sex as an impure thing, that shouldn’t be talked about much (especially in the church) & that it should only be done in marriage to make children. On the other hand, people who have been tragically scared by the memory of sexual abuse tend to see sex through the lens of past negative experience’s. These memories scar leave a defiling residue within the soul (mind, will & emotions) thus making sex seem as if it’s gross. Sex is then sometimes totally rejected or totally embraced in wrong ways i.e. Some stat’s suggest 90 percent of all prostitutes, minus the slave trade industry, were sexually abused at a young age.
Both of these views on sex – that it’s either “God” & “Gross” – are killer’s to God ‘s full plan for it.
Gift – The Biblical plan for sex is this: it is a gift to be enjoyed, kept holy & cultivated in marriage between one woman & one man in covenant with God through Jesus. The Bible declares that sex is a God given, God ordained, God designed, God sanctified, God glorifying gift, given to humanity for their enjoyment, in marriage, for the purpose of one man & one woman becoming one, making children, and enjoying each other till death do they part. In the beginning, God created all things good, including sex and the means to do it i.e. humanities sexual organs. This means that sex is not God, nor is it gross. It is a good gift, from a good God, for a good purpose, to make a good thing, very good. Because God created Adam (man) and Eve (woman), we can rightly & authoritatively conclude that heterosexual marriage, is the only God ordained context for sex to be truly good and truly enjoyable.
The Bible gives us a few of the God’s purposes designed purposes for sex in marriage. 1) Sex is for oneness & union between a man & woman – Genesis 2:24 2) Sex is for pleasure in marriage – A Literal, Non-Allegorical Interpretation of The Song of Solomon. 3) To make children & families – Genesis 1:28. 4) For comfort in times of grief – 2 Samuel 12:24. 5) For spiritual protection – 1 Corinthians 7:5.
In Conclusion
God designed sex to be a gift. It’s not God and it’s not gross. It’s not meant to be shared around like a game of “pass the parcel” with heaps of different people. It is meant for one man and one woman for the duration of their life together for the enjoyment, oneness, comfort, procreation, & protection. The human heart was made to rejoice in & glorify God, in all things, including sex – within the covenant of heterosexual marriage. And in that, there is great hope for all who have used, abused or been abused by sex in a wrong way: In Jesus, there is a powerful & steadfast assurance of forgiveness, cleansing, healing, restoration & justice. By faith in Him, by the power of the Holy Spirit, because of His shed blood, you have assurance, that if you believe in Him & confess Him as the Savior & Lord of your life, He will make all things new for you and He will cleanse you of the sinful residue of your experience. And in it’s place He’ll give you soul satisfying, mind restoring, heart rejoicing joy & freedom in His presence – see John 15:11; Psalm 16:11.
In closing, therefore “let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed (marital intimacy) be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. (Hebrews 13:4)”
Thursday, March 11, 2010
OOOOOhhhh my!
Here I am, lying in bed, basking in the glow and tingle of a very recent, very strong orgasm – given to me by, wait for it… My husband!
I had taken myself to bed early and was reading. He wandered into our room and questionned if I was ok, not sick etc. He sat beside me and asked me if there was anything he could do to help me, peeling the sheet off my naked body, he stroked and kissed me, working his way down – my brain screaming YES ORAL! He unflinchingly licked an sucked and used his fingers exactly as I have shown him over the years that works best on me and within 5 minutes had me in orgasm heaven. No faking required! I asked if he wanted me to return the favor, but more in line with his usual behavior he kissed my forehead and said no silly, you just go to sleep. Then he wandered out of the room back to his telly show!!!
Now this is a very unusual occurance on many levels. I have not pestered him for sex for over 2 months, so he can’t be feeling guilty. It was so random, he just walked in, made me cum and walked out, sweet as sugar. He usually dislikes licking my pussy a LOT, over the 13 years we have been together I strongly doubt if he has performed oral on me more than 20 times, and most of that was in the first few years. I don’t even get it for birthdays or valentines or christmas even if I beg for it.
To think that 5 minutes between my legs was all he needed, and it was a very strong, very long orgasm. I am thinking back to Tuesday when I had Richards face in my pussy, and I could feel orgasm potential, but it was deep down. I knew he would not be able to coax it out of me, not for a long time, and then it would be the type of cumming like when you have your vibe on too fast and it just forces it out of you, involuntarily, like a sneeze and about as satisfying. I faked it, I mean what he was doing felt fantastic, but I could feel it wasn’t going to work. How does my husband do it, tease a happy orgasm out of me as easily as making a kitten chase a piece of string?