Tuesday, October 13, 2009

desperate housewife wannabe?

i am so tired of being exhausted, completely overwhelmed, and feeling stupid. i guess that’s what a new job will do to you. feeling stupid is especially exhausting to me. i’m not really that used to it. that may sound stuck up…but whatev. this is my blog.

lately i’ve been thinking about sex roles and gender identity. our society typically looks to women to be the caregivers, the more emotional of the sexes, and the ones who truly make a house a home. i think that for the most part, the aforementioned is true. however, i wonder about people like me–sometimes i think that i could be really domestic, and then other times, the thought makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. i realize that the ‘throw up’ thing is extremely unappealing to men, and that is most likely why i am single.

it is said that men are attracted to women that are fertile–while i have no idea about my fertility, i believe that men are innately attracted to women that have a natural desire to nurse, nurture, and be nincompoops. of course, no offense if you are a married/taken woman..i’m in no way suggesting that all women that are not single are useless–i’m simply saying that men tend to gravitate toward women that don’t challenge them in any way, but especially intellectually. i know many many men and most of them are dating women that have jobs or iq’s that could be seen as ‘less’ than what they have (btw, i’m not saying that the job or iq of anyone i know is less than their male counterpart, but i do believe that men believe it to be true, if that makes sense). men also seem to be attracted to women that don’t have as much ambition as they do. they want to be the adventurers and they want their women to nurture. i’m not saying that this is entirely wrong…afterall, i do believe that in general men were born with more of a tendency toward adventure than women. but that’s not always the case. some women really don’t want to be trophy wives. is that okay?

i really dislike the idea/assumption that women (or men) should be a certain way in order to fulfill their gender role. i often doubt my ability to dedicate my life to the ‘american dream/american family’ thing. i get disgusted at the sheer image of a dirty, ornery child. when i think about sitting at home all day, every day, i go insane.  i start to feel like i can’t breathe when i think about my life becoming about nothing but carting my suburban children around in a mini-van. i feel like so many parents (especially moms) lose themselves and have no identity other than mother/wife. again, if that is what one desires, i have no problem with it. but i must wonder…is the role of wife/mother the highest level of achievement for a woman in our society? and if so, why?

i think it could be fun to be a mother. i think i might love being a wife. but i hate when people make comments to me (which happens more than one might realize) suggesting that i don’t care about typical things that ‘most’ women care about, simply because i’m not on a desperate search to find my baby’s daddy. while i can appreciate the allure of staying home: coffee with friends, lunching, maybe an hour volunteering with the PTA, and spending all of your husband’s money on clothes/household items/new ‘ingredients’ for that ’special’ recipe, when i apply that situation to my own life, i feel empty and sad.

i’m sure there are a plethora of moms that are thrilled to be home, and i’m not hating on stay at home moms. my mom was a stay at home mom for most of my life, and i’m not gonna lie, i loved every second of it as a kid. but as an adult, i can’t help but wonder if that’s what she really wanted, or if she regrets it at all. i know she wanted to raise us as opposed to someone else raising us and i love that (and should i ever have kids, i want to find a way to do this and still work), but is there something missing when society teaches women that their only importance is to bear and raise children, keep a clean house, make a delicious dinner, and look desirable for their husbands?

i’m just not on that bandwagon. again, i’m not going to chastise someone for being on it, but it’s not for me. i’m not saying that i have no desire to be a wife or a mother…but i have no desire to have that life (you know…the “i run my kids everywhere and do 75 loads of laundry a day, look like a bedgraggled mess and have no time to enjoy myself , my husband, or my friends). i don’t want my every written word, spoken word, or thought to be about my kids and how they run my life. maybe that’s selfish. i’m sure anyone that’s a parent thinks that i’m a total a-hole. it is what it is.

i think that moms are amazing, and many of them skillfully preserve their self-identity, raise a family, and have a successful marriage. but i feel like i know so many who make the whole of their lives about others–and even though i believe that our general life focus should be on others, i think that there is a very important piece of self-preservation that is essential and healthy. i especially think it’s important for kids to see that sometimes “their dad” comes before them, and sometimes “their mom” needs to have coffee with a friend instead of being cooped up in the house with them all day and all night.

i guess you can’t have it all. maybe it’s different once you experience it. but i think that one of my big realizations about myself is this: one of my biggest ‘life fears’ is being a trapped suburbian mom with no adventure, no mystique, no self-satisfaction. i want the wife and mother thing. but i also want to put this $100,000 education to use. i want to have an active part in foreign relief/missions. i want to travel and experience life.  does that make me an ‘inadequate’ woman? does that mean that i am not fulfilling my purpose on this earth? does it make me evil or selfish?

maybe. but maybe it makes me someone who wants to show my kids what life is really about according to me. then again, maybe it just makes me an a-hole. i’ll accept either.

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