Cast – Steven Weber, Carrie Fleming, Brenda James, Harris Allan, Beau Starr, Laurie Brunetti, Kevin Crofton
Release Year – 2005
Reviewed by John of the Dead
During the first trivial season for this awesome idea of a series titled “Masters of Horror”, the fourth episode gave us what many horror fans had been waiting for, infamous Italian director Dario Argento’s entry. This first entry of his(he has a second, titled “Pelts”) titled “Jenifer”, gave us a strong sexual element we did not get very much of in Argento’s main films, and of course with the utmost amount of gore and true horror. Sex, gore, horror? I’m interested.
“Jenifer” stars Steven Weber as police officer Frank Spivey, an honest and straightforward cop. One day while on duty he sees an estranged man dragging a battered woman by a stream. When he reaches the couple he sees the man about to chop her head off with a butcher’s knife, and kills the man with a single shot. As he checks on the woman he finds a grisly surprise. She is heavily disfigured, and cannot speak. With nowhere for her to stay, she is sent to a mental hospital, which pulls at Steven’s heart. He decides to take matters into his own hands and take her home with him so that she has a place to stay for a while, much at the behest of his wife. This proves to be a fateful decision for Steven. He has no idea about what lies in Jenifer’s past and just exactly why her former caretaker tried killer her. But soon, he will find out.
I had heard good stuff about this film going into it and thankfully this did prove to be a fun and positive watch. Because these “Masters of Horror” films are technically “short” films, they take off pretty quickly due to the decreased runtime. Right away we get thrown into the horror that is…Jenifer’s face. Wow. It was a nice touch to see such a pretty person(hypothetically) with such a disfigured look. This was made even more awesome with that fact that (spoiler coming) we never find out what caused her to become the way she is. We get a nice feel of dread when Steven stops Jenifer’s original caretaker from killing her, alerting the viewer that Steven made a huge mistake at the cost of valiance.
The real horror begins when Steven takes Jenifer home, and she makes a real “mess” of his life. We get some nice gore scenes that I am sure fans of the feline variety are not going to be pleased with. Dear PETA, watch this please, I want to ruin your day. Anywho, as usual with Argento’s work he does not stray away from the gore and lays it on thick in this film. We don’t get many on-screen kills and are instead only given the opportunity to view the aftermath of the kills, with someone’s guts in Jenifer’s mouth. Some of you may like the post-kill use of kills, and some may not. One aspect I did take notice with was the amount of sexual scenes in this film. There have been mild elements of sex in Argento’s previous films, but never to the extent we saw in this one. I wont say I prefer it, but it was nice to see Argento give us something he usually does not implore. Of course, it is always nice when sex involves a horribly disfigured woman.
Aside from Argento’s positive direction the storyline is an ok on. Not amazing, but with such a short runtime it is hard to fit in much development. Nonetheless, the story moves and developes nicely as we go from one sense of horror to another at the hands of Jenier.
My one little beef with this film was that I had the climax guessed by the second the opening series began. Yes, I am not joking. Some may not care too much, and neither did I, but it is always nice when you cannot guess the film’s climax within the first 5 minutes of the film.
Overall, this is a nice watch and a positive installment into the “Masters of horror” TV series by one of horror’s maestros. Give this one a chance.
While we here at Dan Eats Cat Food fully support the institution of love (and the act of love – I’m talking getting dick action), we’re a little more antsy about that of marriage. Not that we aren’t in favor of it, mind you. We’ve made major bank working as priests-for-hire in Vegas. Who would have thought that wearing one of those white collars and yelling at the top of your voice that you do discount weddings for anyone with a pulse and sometimes even without one would get so much attention? (Yes, who would possibly have thought that? -ed.)
However, we have noticed a disturbing trend as of late. You damn kids are getting married earlier and earlier now, damning yourself to a cold and sexless existence at younger and younger ages. Why are you doing this to yourselves? Live free! Die hard! Spread your youthful seed across hundreds of aching wombs and let your burning ovaries be doused with random dude juice! Enjoy your youth and the unlimited use of your genitals before you become old, bitter and only sexually appealing to mummies…and maybe Anna Nicole Smith’s zombie. Married at eighteen? Gonna let you in on a little secret, kiddies. This isn’t the 1880s! You aren’t already a quarter of the way to your death. You don’t have to latch yourself on to the first man to spank your ass. So why do you? Well, through extensive research and a little bit of pulling it out of his ass, Foreign Correspondent KaosTheory was able to determine some of the basic causes of Premature Matrimonation. (He coined that phrase. That wasn’t us. – ed.)
——-
Though I am no longer allowed within 500 feet of the University of Rutgers, the research I managed to do there was invaluable. Here are some of the most common reasons for college marriage that I managed to determine. (Read: scribbled onto his thigh with a Sharpie during a frat party. We read your expense accounts, KT. -ed.)
1 ) One or both marrying parties are drunk and/or high: This didn’t surprise me as much as it probably should have. Then again, I was about two-thirds of the way through a bottle of Raspberry Mad Dog 20/20, so I was leaning a bit towards the drunk category myself. Apparently it’s a thing these days to get all liquored up on mimosas and cheap whiskey, hop in the car, drive to Atlantic City and get hitched, creating an embarrassing “morning-after” and adding the title “divorcee” to your long and distinguished family history. I’m sure that Daddy Fortune 500 CEO is going to be thrilled that his daughter got married to – and divorced from – Fratbag McDouchecock because he got her all Ke$ha’d and convinced her that he could be her sugar daddy if they got married, neglecting of course to mention that his view of marriage isn’t living and loving and growing as people but is in fact just a legal right to SODOMY.
2 and 3 ) Out of some misplaced sense of obligation/”It’s time”: I combined these two motivations into one category because they are basically the same thing, only phrased differently. “It’s time” is generally the more common of the two. “It’s time” occurs when two people dated all the way through high school but couldn’t detach enough of their own personalities from the tangled morass that was their relationship to be able to amicably break up and go to different colleges. THIS means that they in fact attend the same college, still dating, still clingy and immature and will gain no character growth unless they actually end it and begin to date around. But of course that won’t possibly happen because they’re so much in love so eventually it becomes so ridiculously overblown that two things happen at the same moment (these two motivations, hint hint). First off, the girl is so enamored with him that she begins to drop horribly unsubtle hints to the guy that, since they’ve been together for anywhere from two to five years, it’s time to start talking about taking that next step which, if we’re being honest, is more like a short drop with a sudden, violent stop. The dude then – clearly in over his head or maybe just simply addicted to having something to put his dick in – feels as if he should propose because she is so right for him and – let’s face it – dating this one girl for so long has ruined him in the eyes of other women. So…hooray for love?
4 ) To deflect a fight: Let’s play it straight here, shall we? Fights between boyfriends and girlfriends happen constantly, probably every day if sitcoms are to be believed. But what happens if you really fuck up bad? I’m not talking forgetting to call during a weekend out with the boys. I’m not talking accidentally embarrassing her in front of her sorority sisters leading to her being called “Little Miss Bitchpants” for the rest of her tenure at school. I’m talking more of a “Oh shit, she just caught me banging her mother in the family room while wearing a Batman mask and singing ‘God Bless The USA’ in Spanish” kind of mistake. How do you recover from that? She obviously is going to want to send your ass the way of boy bands, probably with aching balls and a black eye. What you have to do is take her mind totally off of what just happened. THAT, my friend, is when you whip out the ring, say “surprise” and hope that she buys that it was all a ruse, even if it wasn’t. Smooth.
5 )”I hate fun”: This one lands firmly on the side of cynicism but it’s a legitimate motivation. Look at it like this. You’re in college. You’re young, presumably attractive, and virile as hell. You can get smashed with your boys then go out and be balls-deep in some strange poon by midnight. Weekends in Cabo. Poker nights with tequila shots. Spring Break where it is entirely possible to fuck the light fantastic until you’re nothing more than a Ken doll. It’s the American Dream. But instead, you got MARRIED. Staying in and watching Grey’s Anatomy. Wine tastings with other married couples. Missionary only and the occasional blowjob but God help you if you don’t warn her before liftoff. Why in God’s name would you do that? Well, in light of the alternative, it’s clearly simple. You hate having fun. Enjoy your rice cakes, you raging, boring-ass dingleberry.
6 )Baby Time: We get it. You have urges. Maybe you have a woman that lets you stick it to her. That’s awesome. But let’s say that maybe one night, maybe when the two of you got a little toasty on jello shooters, you forgot to shrink-wrap Dr. Doom. We get it. It happens. Just give her the morning-after pill and maybe keep your distance for a few days. You know. To clear your head a bit and panic in private. Well, what do you do when she calls and tells you she’s throwing up every morning and is feeling fat? I suppose you COULD get an abortion but that just makes you an irresponsible shithead. “Accidentally” push her down a flight of stairs? Well sure, you could do that and gain all the benefits that a miscarriage can grant you…but what if she dies? Then you have murder on your hands. Better to just grit your teeth, bite the bullet, kiss your life good-bye and make her an honest woman. Good luck, you poor sumbitch.
7 ) Insanity: Finally, we have the simplest motivation of all. You’re out of your fucking mind. You are full-bore, Grade-A, commit him now before he shits himself at the opera insane. Why would you lock yourself into something lifelong before you even know who you are? It’s common knowledge that 20-somethings are the most mentally unstable demographic in the world ANYWAYS. Why engage in an activity DESIGNED to promote instability when you’re already bad enough? It’s like having blue balls then smacking yourself in the crotch with a pipe wrench! It boggles the mind. So, then, the only explanation is that you’re batshit nuts. That’s about all there is to it.
———
So, in conclusion…
(Uh, KT. How much of this is actual research and how much of it is just drunken pontificating? – ed.)
(This thing was like…ninety-five percent bullshit. – KT.)
(Wonderful. Let’s call it a day before you piss off any more retardsImeanmarriedcouples. Eh heh heh. – ed.)
If I could be imprisoned for my thoughts, I would probably be incarcerated for life. Of course, those thoughts alone have imprisoned me already.
Who am I? I am nobody, and for that reason, I am everybody. I am a spouse and a divorcee. I have been a star employee, and I have been fired. I am someone’s child and I have a child of my own. I have been part of the middle class sprung up from the lower class and have fallen again within the grasp of poverty. Therefore, my story is your story and you are imprisoned right along with me.
Longing
I t is nearly one in the morning. I should be asleep, but I am not. I should at least be working on my novel, but I cannot bring myself to working on that either. How can I write a romance when my husband will not even stay home or touch me when he is? Perhaps my writing comes from my longing. It is what I wish for. I want a happy ending, the kind that is found in a novel, but there does not seem to be one in my future. There is no climatic event. It is more like a dull end to a poorly written novel. There is no resolution. It just ends.
It is strange to long for something that you claim you do not want, but as much as I can openly deny it to all of my family and friends, I want this relationship. I want this man. I want him to want me. I feel empty and alone. I cry when I see couples obviously in love. I cry when I see a man taking his wife’s hand in his and leading her in prayer. I want this so badly that I have to look away. I know that I will never have what they have and I want it. I desperately want it.
I am not a book lover. To be honest, I can barely count the number of books that I have read till date. Although, I would like to talk about “Eleven Minutes” which I consider as my top favourite. I am sure most of you have read it by now. The author needs no introduction. He is one of the matured writes and a soulful one at that. Although Alchemist has been ranked as the top grossing seller, my vote goes to Eleven Minutes simply because of the simplicity, sensitivity and maturity interwoven in one of the most talked about subjects “love and sex”. The novel explores the sacred nature of love and sex juxtaposed with each. According to me, this is a gift by Paulo and I truly cherish it. For all those people who haven’t read Eleven Minutes, this one’s for you. Thought provoking quotes by the very famous brazilian writer, Paulo Coelho.
At every moment of our lives we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.
Eleven Minutes
While she was waiting for her Prince Charming to appear, all she could do was dream.
Eleven Minutes
When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side… And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly? Life moves very fast. It rushes from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds.
The Alchemist
From Maria’s Diary.
After a while she began to enter a kind of paradise, the feelings grew in intensity, until she noticed that she could no longer see or hear clearly, everything appeared to be tinged with yellow, and then she moaned with pleasure and had her first orgasm. Orgasm! It was like floating up to heaven and then parachuting slowly down to earth again.
Eleven Minutes
Maria discovers masturbation.
…but something always went wrong, and the relationship would end precisely at the moment when she was sure that this was the person with whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life. After a long time, she came to the conclusion that men brought only pain, frustration, suffering and a sense of time dragging.
Eleven Minutes
The power of beauty: what must the world be like for ugly women?
Eleven Minutes
There was one thing her mother said that she never forgot: ‘Beauty, my dear, doesn’t last.’
Eleven Minutes
Sometimes you get no second chance and that it’s best to accept the gifts the world offers you.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
If I must be faithful to someone or something, then I have, first of all, to be faithful to myself.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
If I’m looking for true love, I first have to get the mediocre love out of my systems.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
The little experience of life I’ve had has taught me that no one owns anything, that everything is an illusion – and that applies to material as well as spiritual things.
The Alchemist
From Maria’s diary.
Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally come to realize that nothing really belongs to them.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
It is not time that changes man, nor knowledge; the only thing that can change someone’s mind is love.
Eleven Minutes
I’m not a body with a soul, I’m a soul that has a visible part called body.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
But if I don’t think about love, I will be nothing.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
Humans can withstand a week without water, two weeks without food, many years of homelessness, but not loneliness. It is the worst of all tortures, the worst of all sufferings.
Eleven Minutes
All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement… Freedom only exists when love is present. The person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves the most.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
There is always a right moment to stop something.
The Alchemist
Being young inevitably means making mistakes.
Eleven Minutes
Passion: it can be used to describe the beauty of an earth-shaking meeting between two people… It’s there in the excitement of the unexpected, in the desire to do something with real fervor, in the certainty that one is going to realize a dream. Passion sends us signal that guide us through our lives, and it’s up to me to interpret those signs.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
The great aim of every human being is to understand the meaning of total love. Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it. But in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
Passion makes a person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
Keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it – which of these two attitudes is the least destructive? I don’t know.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
Profound desire, true desire is the desire to be close to someone.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
What is real always finds a way of revealing itself.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
Really important meetings are planned by the souls long before the bodies see each other.
Eleven Minutes
The most important experiences a man can have are those that take him to the very limit; that is the only way we learn, because it requires all our courage. Eleven Minutes
Terence to Maria, quoting the Marquis de Sade.
It wasn’t necessary to know your own demons in order to find God. Eleven Minutes
Anyone who is in love is making love the whole time, even when they’re not. When two bodies meet, it is just the cup overflowing. They can stay together for hours, even days. They begin the dance one day and finish it the next, or – such is the pleasure they experience – they may never finish it. No eleven minutes for them. Eleven Minutes
Ralf to Maria.
Every human being experiences his or her own desire; it is part of our personal treasure and although, as an emotion, it can drive people away… it brings those who are important to us closer. It is an emotion chosen by my soul, and it is so intense that it can infect everything and everyone around me. The Alchemist
From Maria’s Diary.
The strongest love is love that can demonstrate its fragility. Eleven Minutes
If you want to achieve your objectives, you have to be prepared for daily dose of pain and discomfort. Eleven Minutes
Sex has come to be used as some kind of a drug: in order to escape reality, to forget about problems, to relax. And like all drugs, this is a harmful and destructive practice. Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
We all have a clock inside us, and in order to make love, the hands on both clocks have to be pointing to the same time… If you love another person, you don’t depend on sex act to feel good. Two people who live together and love each other need to adjust the hands of their clocks, with patience and perseverance, until they realize that making love is more than just an encounter, it is genital ‘embrace’. Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
If you live your life intensely, you experience pleasure all the time and don’t feel the need for sex. Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
When a teacher helps someone to discover something, the teacher always learns something new too. Eleven Minutes
Terence to Maria.
The world enjoys suffering and pain. There’s sadism in the way we look at these things, and masochism in our conclusion that we don’t need to know all this in order to be happy, and yet we watch other people’s tragedies and sometimes suffer along with them.
As I say, it’s the human condition. Ever since we were expelled from paradise, we have either been suffering, making other people suffer or watching the suffering of others. It’s beyond our control. Eleven Minutes
Terence to Maria.
Man has understood that suffering, if confronted without fear, is his passport to freedom. The Alchemist
When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself. Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
The art of sex is the art of controlled abandon. Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
We are human beings, we are born full of guilt; we feel terrified when happiness becomes real possibility; and we die wanting to punish everyone else because we feel impotent, ill-used and unhappy. Eleven Minutes
Ralf to Maria.
Why was it that in God’s holy world men were only interested in showing her pain. Sacred pain, pain with pleasure, pain with explanations or without, but always pain, pain, pain… Eleven Minutes
Maria.
“I felt that pain is a woman’s friend.”
“That is the danger.”
“I also felt that pain has its limits.” Eleven Minutes
Maria and Ralf.
…it’s (pain) a very powerful drug. It’s in our daily lives, in our hidden suffering, in the sacrifices we make, blaming love for the destruction of our dreams. Pain is frightening when it shows its real face, but it’s seductive when it comes disguised as sacrifice or self denial. Or cowardice. However much we may reject it, we human beings always find a way of being with pain, or flirting with it and making it a part of our lives. Eleven Minutes
Ralf to Maria.
Pain and suffering are used to justify the one thing that brings only joy: love. Eleven Minutes
Ralf to Maria.
I need to love – that’s all, I need to love. Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly. Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
Original sin was not the apple that Eve ate, it was her belief that Adam needed to share precisely the thing she had tasted. The Alchemist
Maria thinking.
Certain things cannot be shared. Nor can we be afraid of the ocean into which we plunge our own free will; Fear cramps everyone’s style. Man goes through hell in order to understand this. Love one another, but let’s not try to possess one another. The Alchemist
Maria thinking.
They all believe that man feels desire for only eleven minutes a day, and that they’ll pay a fortune for it. That’s not true; a man is also a woman; he wants to find someone, to give meaning to his life. Eleven Minutes
Maria thinking about the other prostitutes, her mother and her friends.
Bodies always understand each other, even when the souls do not. Eleven Minutes
Maria asks Ralf to touch her and feel her with his hands.
In all languages in the world, there’s the same proverb: “What the eyes don’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve over”. Well, I say there isn’t an ounce of truth in it. The further off they are, the closer to the heart are all those feelings we try to repress and forget. If we are in exile, we want to store away every tiny memory of our roots. If we’re far from the person we love, everyone we pass in the street reminds us of them. Eleven Minutes
Maria, in her diary, quoting a priest.
Love was necessary if one was to experience pleasure in bed. Eleven Minutes
Maria thinking.
The Western and Eastern world have a lot of opposing views on life, and these opposing views have caused a lot of conflict in the world, but there’s one thing that both the East and West agree on (for the most part) and that’s that boobies are evil.
Boobies? Really? I’ve done the moral calculations over and over, and I can’t see one reason why more boobies wouldn’t make the world a better place.
Far from deserving unquestionable respect, I think the elders who have defined our moral codes are suffering some serious psychological problems that are affecting their ability to discern reality from some sick and twisted fantasy world they live in where boobies are bad.
Enlightenment Transmission Intensive Central Helsinki, Finland
21 Mar 2010. Sunday. 12:30-16:30
The Hidden Energetics of the Male-Female Relationship
Forget sex, orgasm and love-making. Do you deeply know why men and women seek each other?
A candid look at the hidden energetic dynamics of the male-female relationship from an awakened perspective – free from fixed concepts, culture, tradition and dogma.
Become fully conscious of the essential purpose of male and female differences, the actual and correct flows of energy in a sexual relationship and the consequences.
This Intensive does not involve any overt sexual exploration but only an invisible, inner journey into your own awareness as a man or woman.
The Oshana Teaching is based on the direct experience of what works.
There will be time for questions and also a meditation or Oshana Energy-Work Method.
Eligibility: Open to everyone who has met Dave Oshana. If you are new then you should apply early to see if you need to prepare for the Transmission. Late applications might not get processed in time.
Registration: Pre-registration is required. Register early enough to receive orientation, special guidance and preparation information.
Preparation: You are strongly recommended to read and follow (as much as possible) the basic advice about Enlightenment Intensive Preparation and to listen to live, or replay, classes at DaveOshana.Com – by doing so you will familiarize yourself with the Teaching, and thereby absorb and integrate as much of the experience as possible when you attend the teaching events.
Orientation: Full orientation information will be emailed at least 2 days before the event to those who are registered.
Your contribution: 55€
One-to-Ones: Personal One-to-One meetings with Oshana are bookable. A chance to be with Oshana and clear the obstacles from your spiritual path.
Live Online Classes: Every Sunday there are live online classes with Dave Oshana (bookable at daveoshana.com) – and also – free audio teaching.
Contact: OshanaFinland by contact-form or phone/text: 040-900-8645
I lost my virginity in the summer between 10th and 11th grade to a girl I barely knew.
She was a friend of a friend who I had met at camp. I went to a small, private high school and had known my classmates since we were all 5 years old. With only about 45 girls in my grade, the pickings were sort of slim, so it was nice to be away from all that and meet someone new.
But, as I said, I barely knew her. I only knew her first name, which was Anna. I didn’t even learn her last name. We met when my friend from camp invited some of us to his house for a cookout. I did not know any one else there, save a few other campers, but I managed to hit it off with this girl. She wasn’t extremely pretty or anything, but she was new and seemed to enjoy talking to me. We started to text each other every day after that, but it wasn’t serious. Just playful flirting like asking her how her day was. It wasn’t even PG-13 stuff. When she finally decides she wants to see me again, I leapt at the opportunity. I got myself dressed up and drove myself to her house arriving 5 minutes late so she has that extra time to make herself look nice.
I rang the doorbell and she invited me in. She took my hand and then dragged me to her bedroom. Being a stupid 16-year-old, I had no idea what was going on. I was just excited someone was going to see a movie with me. Guess that wasn’t going to happen now. We get to her room and she started making out with me.
Now, Anna was my first real girlfriend. Even I use that term loosely, but still, I thought that making out was a little odd on the first date just based on my knowledge teen romantic comedy movies. Of course, how could I say no to a little tongue action?
It wasn’t until we sat on her bed and she started taking off my shirt did I start thinking something wrong was going on. Then she took her shirt off. Then her pants. Then my pants. Then her bra.
I didn’t even get a chance to really experience the first time some girl showed me her boobs because by the time I saw them she had already managed to pull down my boxers. Little Me was already standing at attention and she wasted no time introducing him to her hand and then her tongue.
All I could think was, “Well, this is interesting.” Pleasure never even entered my mind. I was just worried what would happen next.
After she spent a little time down there, it was time for the big show. She slipped out of her pink polka-dotted panties and asked me if I had a condom. Well, considering I just wanted to see a movie, I wasn’t exactly ready for that moment. I told her no, but she opened her drawer and picked one out. She ripped the package open and began to put it on me. She asked if I was a virgin and I told her I was. Apparently, I was going to be her first time too. So much for the romance. That was clearly not going to happen.
I laid there with my back on her bed and she got in position. 3 2 1 and touchdown. I didn’t have to a thing. She just kinda sat there and wiggled around on top of me. Finally she figured out that sex involved more than just sitting on a penis, so she started to bounce on top of me, hoping that would finally do the trick. I tried to help, but I was still in shock. After a few minutes, I finally snapped out of it and put every porn move I had seen into action, which probably wasn’t the best idea, but it got the job done. I actually managed to last about 10 minutes but she actually had an orgasm before I did. That’s right ladies, not only did I give her an orgasm the first time, but I was not a minute man either. Impressive, I know, especially for a horny 16-year-old virgin.
After she let me finish, we both laid there for a while trying to catch our breath and stop sweating. Then she got up, put her underwear back on and tells me “That was fun. I guess we’re done now.” Huh? I put my clothes on and she took me down to the front door. All she said was “goodbye” and closed the door behind me.
I tried to text her and call her back, but she never responded. To this day, I can’t remember her last name (if I even learned it in the first place) and the one time I tried to friend her on Facebook, I discovered she had blocked me.
As I said, the term “girlfriend” hardly applies here, but it’s better than thinking I was some poor guy she used to sex her up only to ditch immediately afterward. I was just her boyfriend for about 15 minutes. I am not a sex toy.
