i had a rather ‘high energy’ day yesterday.
NOT HIGH HIGH BUT !havent had one for God knows how long. went running in the morning, which was though. havent been for like two weeks, so i felt it … and i have been smoking far too much recently. wasnt abele to run a good distance… neither good time… but done a bit at least. and as i had good energy that fact couldnt piss me off. good sign. than did some amazing YOGA.
watched the movie Into The Wild the night before and it was very inspiring. it was talking to my soul directly. somtimes i wish i could do exactly the same. i would love to leave everything behind and just go away… far away… where never been before… just be on my own and contemplate on life itself and figure out who am i really… that would be one of my wish for Genie.
Sometimes i just feel this i cannot and want not live in this rotten society. in this rigid, corrupt, surveillance society where consumption rules and money is indispensable. carrying the burden of your past, coping and trying to escape of your upbringing… you are always judged by your past… FOREVER
(what have you accomplished??? who are your parents??? what do they do??? why did you do this ‘n that??? WHERE ARE YOU COMING FROM???…. BLABLABLA…)
but WHAT IF you just want to escape … you dont want to have a past – utopian a bit… – …
just live for NOW for the MOMENT and look into the FUTURE with excitement… why do we always have to be reminded of our past…
its fucking NOT RELEVANT… not any more… its only past experience
it stays with us anyway cos thats why we are WHO we really are, the consequesce of our past is ourself therefor there is no fucking reason in vomiting the past all the time…
not to mention the dreams or rather nightmares… in my case that can srcew up my day big time… and i have it fairy often… dreams about past.sucks
apparently, its a coping/dealing mechanism… to tackle unfinished businesses with yourself… WHAT IF I DONT WANT TO FACE WITH THEM AGAIN, JUST LEAVE THEM BEHIND… UNFINISHED! and than what… well, than my mind gets screwed up … and here comes contradiction! my mind should obey to me, since my feelings, reactions, notions are my decisions …
CLEVER MIND! HARE KRISNA!
i dont want to deal with those stuff anymore… had enough of bad memories, ex-boys, weaknesses… neither do i want sexual dreams. no! i want to live them not dream of them or yearn for them.
dont want to be in LA-LA LAND.
only if i intend to do so, while being awake and being able to control my adventures in LA-LA LAND
WELL im clinically mental so this crap is OK from me. – what does society think about this??? … well, i dont belong to those who cares… – and probably thats one reason of the many which determines the fact that i sleep with a squeeze, soft, little black button eyed puppy… my little LOVE
and here am i again talking about loneliness… my perpetual issue
enviousness towards those in relationship… SOMETIMES
INCONSISTENCY -> my world, solitary
when i go for a run and its rather a fight than a pleasant exercise i feel jealous … in ideal situation your daily exercise is provided by sex, which is of course much more than simple body workout… its just one of its diverse virtues… more like a cure for everything…
am i in lack of sex???? ahhhhhh… most definitely
YES
therefore, i do run and i do yoga! better than nothing… i need it inasmuch as air and light
…
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