While we here at Dan Eats Cat Food fully support the institution of love (and the act of love – I’m talking getting dick action), we’re a little more antsy about that of marriage. Not that we aren’t in favor of it, mind you. We’ve made major bank working as priests-for-hire in Vegas. Who would have thought that wearing one of those white collars and yelling at the top of your voice that you do discount weddings for anyone with a pulse and sometimes even without one would get so much attention? (Yes, who would possibly have thought that? -ed.)
However, we have noticed a disturbing trend as of late. You damn kids are getting married earlier and earlier now, damning yourself to a cold and sexless existence at younger and younger ages. Why are you doing this to yourselves? Live free! Die hard! Spread your youthful seed across hundreds of aching wombs and let your burning ovaries be doused with random dude juice! Enjoy your youth and the unlimited use of your genitals before you become old, bitter and only sexually appealing to mummies…and maybe Anna Nicole Smith’s zombie. Married at eighteen? Gonna let you in on a little secret, kiddies. This isn’t the 1880s! You aren’t already a quarter of the way to your death. You don’t have to latch yourself on to the first man to spank your ass. So why do you? Well, through extensive research and a little bit of pulling it out of his ass, Foreign Correspondent KaosTheory was able to determine some of the basic causes of Premature Matrimonation. (He coined that phrase. That wasn’t us. – ed.)
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Though I am no longer allowed within 500 feet of the University of Rutgers, the research I managed to do there was invaluable. Here are some of the most common reasons for college marriage that I managed to determine. (Read: scribbled onto his thigh with a Sharpie during a frat party. We read your expense accounts, KT. -ed.)
1 ) One or both marrying parties are drunk and/or high: This didn’t surprise me as much as it probably should have. Then again, I was about two-thirds of the way through a bottle of Raspberry Mad Dog 20/20, so I was leaning a bit towards the drunk category myself. Apparently it’s a thing these days to get all liquored up on mimosas and cheap whiskey, hop in the car, drive to Atlantic City and get hitched, creating an embarrassing “morning-after” and adding the title “divorcee” to your long and distinguished family history. I’m sure that Daddy Fortune 500 CEO is going to be thrilled that his daughter got married to – and divorced from – Fratbag McDouchecock because he got her all Ke$ha’d and convinced her that he could be her sugar daddy if they got married, neglecting of course to mention that his view of marriage isn’t living and loving and growing as people but is in fact just a legal right to SODOMY.
2 and 3 ) Out of some misplaced sense of obligation/”It’s time”: I combined these two motivations into one category because they are basically the same thing, only phrased differently. “It’s time” is generally the more common of the two. “It’s time” occurs when two people dated all the way through high school but couldn’t detach enough of their own personalities from the tangled morass that was their relationship to be able to amicably break up and go to different colleges. THIS means that they in fact attend the same college, still dating, still clingy and immature and will gain no character growth unless they actually end it and begin to date around. But of course that won’t possibly happen because they’re so much in love so eventually it becomes so ridiculously overblown that two things happen at the same moment (these two motivations, hint hint). First off, the girl is so enamored with him that she begins to drop horribly unsubtle hints to the guy that, since they’ve been together for anywhere from two to five years, it’s time to start talking about taking that next step which, if we’re being honest, is more like a short drop with a sudden, violent stop. The dude then – clearly in over his head or maybe just simply addicted to having something to put his dick in – feels as if he should propose because she is so right for him and – let’s face it – dating this one girl for so long has ruined him in the eyes of other women. So…hooray for love?
4 ) To deflect a fight: Let’s play it straight here, shall we? Fights between boyfriends and girlfriends happen constantly, probably every day if sitcoms are to be believed. But what happens if you really fuck up bad? I’m not talking forgetting to call during a weekend out with the boys. I’m not talking accidentally embarrassing her in front of her sorority sisters leading to her being called “Little Miss Bitchpants” for the rest of her tenure at school. I’m talking more of a “Oh shit, she just caught me banging her mother in the family room while wearing a Batman mask and singing ‘God Bless The USA’ in Spanish” kind of mistake. How do you recover from that? She obviously is going to want to send your ass the way of boy bands, probably with aching balls and a black eye. What you have to do is take her mind totally off of what just happened. THAT, my friend, is when you whip out the ring, say “surprise” and hope that she buys that it was all a ruse, even if it wasn’t. Smooth.
5 )”I hate fun”: This one lands firmly on the side of cynicism but it’s a legitimate motivation. Look at it like this. You’re in college. You’re young, presumably attractive, and virile as hell. You can get smashed with your boys then go out and be balls-deep in some strange poon by midnight. Weekends in Cabo. Poker nights with tequila shots. Spring Break where it is entirely possible to fuck the light fantastic until you’re nothing more than a Ken doll. It’s the American Dream. But instead, you got MARRIED. Staying in and watching Grey’s Anatomy. Wine tastings with other married couples. Missionary only and the occasional blowjob but God help you if you don’t warn her before liftoff. Why in God’s name would you do that? Well, in light of the alternative, it’s clearly simple. You hate having fun. Enjoy your rice cakes, you raging, boring-ass dingleberry.
6 )Baby Time: We get it. You have urges. Maybe you have a woman that lets you stick it to her. That’s awesome. But let’s say that maybe one night, maybe when the two of you got a little toasty on jello shooters, you forgot to shrink-wrap Dr. Doom. We get it. It happens. Just give her the morning-after pill and maybe keep your distance for a few days. You know. To clear your head a bit and panic in private. Well, what do you do when she calls and tells you she’s throwing up every morning and is feeling fat? I suppose you COULD get an abortion but that just makes you an irresponsible shithead. “Accidentally” push her down a flight of stairs? Well sure, you could do that and gain all the benefits that a miscarriage can grant you…but what if she dies? Then you have murder on your hands. Better to just grit your teeth, bite the bullet, kiss your life good-bye and make her an honest woman. Good luck, you poor sumbitch.
7 ) Insanity: Finally, we have the simplest motivation of all. You’re out of your fucking mind. You are full-bore, Grade-A, commit him now before he shits himself at the opera insane. Why would you lock yourself into something lifelong before you even know who you are? It’s common knowledge that 20-somethings are the most mentally unstable demographic in the world ANYWAYS. Why engage in an activity DESIGNED to promote instability when you’re already bad enough? It’s like having blue balls then smacking yourself in the crotch with a pipe wrench! It boggles the mind. So, then, the only explanation is that you’re batshit nuts. That’s about all there is to it.
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So, in conclusion…
(Uh, KT. How much of this is actual research and how much of it is just drunken pontificating? – ed.)
(This thing was like…ninety-five percent bullshit. – KT.)
(Wonderful. Let’s call it a day before you piss off any more retardsImeanmarriedcouples. Eh heh heh. – ed.)
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