Ok so I’ve been losing track of my path. With all these internet “convos” and lose radical emotions I’ve become blind. The worst part is I’m becoming angry without sight, leaving me bitter. I don’t know whats happening to me. This newly emerge sexual desires have me even more confused and lost.
Now I’m a late bloomer I guess. During middle and high school I never was boy crazy. I never wanted to date. I never had the small urge to have sex or participate in any sexual activity. I never had a boyfriend during those times (I guess elementary love affairs don’t count really). But now something odd has happen. I’m slowly expressing my sexuality. When I express it though it leaves me feeling strange or ashamed and this world view on sex isn’t helping either. Recently on one of my profile pages I posted a pic of me in my bra. Almost instantly I was condemed for it. But why? Whats the difference if I would have posted a pic of me in a bikini top or a very low-cut shirt? First I took down the picture ashamed but soon it was replaced by anger and I put the picture back up. How could these people judge me in such a harsh way? Going so far to asking if I was a slut. They didn’t even know me. First off I’m a virgin (for religious and romantic reasons) second off I don’t go around flaunting myself in a provocative and luring way and third I’m def not promiscuous in any way. So how could they be so quick to judge?
Thats not the only thing taking me off my path and leading me into the woods. I’m having false imitation of love through convo with certain men. With this new urge for a connection it leads me into believing that exposing myself in such a way to them will bring something I know will never happen. Yet I keep doing it. Slowly I realize that I’ll lead myself into a life I don’t want. Is it because I still being sheltered to this day? I’m 20 years old and I have an uncle who tells me not to wear low-cut shirts or graphic tees. A mother who says that she’ll start treating me like I’m 15 again when she never really actually stop doing it in the first place. Plus I look young for my age. People always think I’m either 15-18.
There is a whirlwind of changes that are happening abruptly. Why do I want complete strangers to fill a hole that I’ve always hated? Why do I feel so ashamed at things people consider normal exploration? Why am I still treated like a child? What can I do to become comfortable with this change? I think I need a break. If not I’ll turn into a rebellious, angry, cold bitch who once sunny attitude is blocked by the clouds of her experiences and encounters. I don’t want to be harsh and I don’t want people to say “her past has made her hard.” I just want to be the future me that I see in my dreams. the woman with balance and totally driven and devoted to her dream work.
I have to leave I just have to or else.
Until my next steps,
DreamChaser
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