I’m not an inspiration today although I feel surprisingly better than I have in a long while.
I spoke to my MM yesterday and it was amazing - I needed to tell him some things and it felt liberating. Surprisingly, I didn’t expect to make the call, wasn’t going to call (except maybe to stalk him - you know, dial, hear his voice on the answering machine and then hang up. Sophomoric, I know, but no different than hunting him down on line to see what he’s doing.) I told him that I wished he were in pain and was glad that he was unhappy now. I told him that he was embarrassing me personally and professionally by “unfriending” “disconnecting” me from on-line networking sites and by interrogating work/business people and my friends about me. That what I felt more than anything is that if he were standing in front of me, I would slap him and it would feel good. I don’t think that I’ve ever slapped anyone in my life, but it seemed so fitting. I could feel my hand do it – reach out from the side of my body and strike him across the face and the image was cathartic.
He told me plenty — of how shitty his life has been, and not in a whiney, pleading way (shockingly) - he too remembers every word of the last email, text, conversation that we had. I told him that it made me happy to hear that things were shitty for him. Maybe I’m a bitch, but I had to say it. I wanted to say it and more than anything, I needed to say it.
Then he tells me that he and his W are in counseling together and where he really wants to be is individual therapy because he can’t say anything meaningful in couples counseling. Because what he needs to say and what he knows are that once the words are out, you can’t get them back again. I don’t think that he wants to hurt her unnecessarily, but the therapy is not about a couple, but about him.
He told me that he’s been sending me messages, discreetly, through other people, but I’ve gotten nothing. Hmmm, I wonder if the messengers he selected dislike him, don’t trust him or if it’s me. He told me that the email I sent him hurt him horribly. That I know him and to say that what he said to me over the years was lies, wasn’t anything that I could have really believed. That it hurt him that I thought he could discard me like garbage. That when he spoke to me on the phone in front of his wife and told me that it was over and he could never see me again, he died inside. Yet he did say that, didn’t he? He didn’t tell his wife that it was over and he couldn’t be with her anymore. He said it to me. He asked me whether or not I thought the email that he sent me was written for me or for someone else, by someone else. I told him it was hurtful – HOWEVER COMMA!!!!! Fuck you comma for telling me I hurt your feelings period Fuck you comma for sending me that email and not calling me and telling me what was going on period Fuck you period
He asked me if I thought that he really said those words. And I said yes. He asked me if I remembered our last conversation and what he said to me. I asked: about you reconciling with your wife? No, he said. About whether I would vouch for the fact we didn’t make love last time you were in my town? No, he said. About the fact that I sign all fo my emails, will ALL of my friends “I love you”? No, he said, that I said I would call you, that I love you and to be patient with me as I figure everything out. Did you remember that? And I lied and said no. YES! I held onto that conversation on 12/14 like a drowning person holding on to a life-preserver. And I said, oh yeah, you said you were going to call, and you didn’t. (Because you’re a LIAR!!!!) And he said, because I couldn’t but I will. (Do I have a kick me sign on my forehead?)
He told me that the emails I send to him are directed to a “trash” folder and forwarded to his wife’s computer. So she reads the emails I sent. And read the last one. And he commented on the “bullet points.” He asked me if I thought that someone else might read it and I said no. I didn’t. Did I? I’m glad that she read it though. Why didn’t you call me or email me? You could have, it wasn’t impossible. Are you wearing an ankle bracelet? Yes, he said, practically speaking I am.
And then he tells me that up until this point he’s had a good marriage and that this has been seismic on all accounts. We talk for a few more minutes and I let that “good marriage” statement go until 10 minutes later when I said – you have a shitty marriage, you’ve always had a shitty marriage. Stop saying that to me already. It’s a mantra that’s meaningless. And he says: I know; that’s why I need to be in individual therapy; I need to be able to speak freely and I can’t do that in couples therapy.
Then the BIG QUESTION: he asks me what he should do. I told him that I would never tell him what to do – that’s everyone else’s job. He’s spent his entire life following everyone else’s orders and that at some point he needs to make his own decision and pick his own path. He has done what people have told him to do, what they expected him to do and whether he thought it was right or wrong, whether he agreed with it or not, he did it anyway. When we worked together, he and I would fight over what I thought he should do. And in the end, I would say to him, you never do what YOU want or think is right. I told him that he would have made a great Nazi. Never questioning, and always following orders. I would never presume to tell him what to do. It is not my call, it is not my decision, it is not my life. I don’t want that responsibility.
I’m glad that he’s suffering. . But it’s an interesting turn of events. You know what he told me? That his wife told him that he is to never have any contact with me ever again, for the rest of his life. I get what she’s thinking and feeling. But when will she learn that you can’t tell someone what to do, what to feel. Not for nothing, but that is why this happened to her in the first instance. You can’t control someone – you should never try. What a fucked up mess he’s got going on. I don’t envy him at all. But, damn if it doesn’t feel good to be able to walk away from that.
But then, just when I thought I could walk away, whoosh! I felt the lasso around my neck, choking off my oxygen supply and he said: Will you call me tomorrow? I asked if he wanted me to and he said yes. I said that I would think about it. I was going to see my shrink and he told me to talk to her about what he was going through. Again, about you? No, I thought. This time is about me.
And then I saw my therapist. We spoke about him, the call, my feelings. My feelings of control, closure, catharsis.
And what did I do? The next day I called him. It was a super interesting conversation. I never heard him so resolute and strong. He asked me what 3 things in my life were non-negotiable. I told him that was in important question and I wouldn’t shoot from the hip as he had been thinking about it and asked him what his 3 things were. He told me his kids (and he went on about being there for his kids, blah blah), happiness and a life partner. I told him that was interesting. He told me that he was surprised I didn’t say my kids. I told him my kids are NEVER on the table. Whether I’m physically with them or not, they are always my priority. They aren’t non-negotiable, they just aren’t something to even discuss. And eventually, when they grow up (oh so soon), even though they wont be with me physically, they will always be with me and I with them. It was interesting to think about. He told me that was on the table since it was important to me.
He asked me what I wanted as regards him and again, I told him I wouldn’t answer. It is not about me. It is about him. I also told him that I am so angry and so hurt that I can’t answer that question. That there have been days when I was so hurt and so pained that I couldn’t even breath. He said he knew that feeling because he felt the same.
The last thing that he said was that he wants and needs and will only live his life honestly. Whatever it is he choses to do, it will be the honest decision for him. I was awed by what he said. And I replied – that was all I ever asked of you. I told you that I wanted to hold your hand in public; to say that I had a companion/boyfriend/partner, but you said no. It was never me who picked the lie. And he said, that what we had, was over, the lies, the hiding. And I said: baby, it’s so over.
As we were getting ready to hang up, he said to me: I was told to tell you that, if you ever called me, to never call me again. And I asked: Are you telling me to not call you again? He said: I’m just telling you what I was told to say to you if you called. So I asked him: Do you want me not to call you? He chuckled and said: You’re always the lawyer. Just think about what I said. OK, I said. I’ll call you again.
Yeah, I’ve been thinking a lot about what he said. I knew what he was saying. I’m so sad, again. Because I’m feeling the closure and it’s like a little death. I believe in fate – if it is meant to be, it will be. My xMM and I have crossed paths during most of our adult lives and didn’t meet until 5/2006. We had an affair, we fell in love and then we parted. Will our paths cross again? I don’t know. It’s nice to fantasize about. Would I like that? Or not? Would it make me happy? or not?
To be, or not to be. That is the question.
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