Cast – Steven Weber, Carrie Fleming, Brenda James, Harris Allan, Beau Starr, Laurie Brunetti, Kevin Crofton
Release Year – 2005
Reviewed by John of the Dead
During the first trivial season for this awesome idea of a series titled “Masters of Horror”, the fourth episode gave us what many horror fans had been waiting for, infamous Italian director Dario Argento’s entry. This first entry of his(he has a second, titled “Pelts”) titled “Jenifer”, gave us a strong sexual element we did not get very much of in Argento’s main films, and of course with the utmost amount of gore and true horror. Sex, gore, horror? I’m interested.
“Jenifer” stars Steven Weber as police officer Frank Spivey, an honest and straightforward cop. One day while on duty he sees an estranged man dragging a battered woman by a stream. When he reaches the couple he sees the man about to chop her head off with a butcher’s knife, and kills the man with a single shot. As he checks on the woman he finds a grisly surprise. She is heavily disfigured, and cannot speak. With nowhere for her to stay, she is sent to a mental hospital, which pulls at Steven’s heart. He decides to take matters into his own hands and take her home with him so that she has a place to stay for a while, much at the behest of his wife. This proves to be a fateful decision for Steven. He has no idea about what lies in Jenifer’s past and just exactly why her former caretaker tried killer her. But soon, he will find out.
I had heard good stuff about this film going into it and thankfully this did prove to be a fun and positive watch. Because these “Masters of Horror” films are technically “short” films, they take off pretty quickly due to the decreased runtime. Right away we get thrown into the horror that is…Jenifer’s face. Wow. It was a nice touch to see such a pretty person(hypothetically) with such a disfigured look. This was made even more awesome with that fact that (spoiler coming) we never find out what caused her to become the way she is. We get a nice feel of dread when Steven stops Jenifer’s original caretaker from killing her, alerting the viewer that Steven made a huge mistake at the cost of valiance.
The real horror begins when Steven takes Jenifer home, and she makes a real “mess” of his life. We get some nice gore scenes that I am sure fans of the feline variety are not going to be pleased with. Dear PETA, watch this please, I want to ruin your day. Anywho, as usual with Argento’s work he does not stray away from the gore and lays it on thick in this film. We don’t get many on-screen kills and are instead only given the opportunity to view the aftermath of the kills, with someone’s guts in Jenifer’s mouth. Some of you may like the post-kill use of kills, and some may not. One aspect I did take notice with was the amount of sexual scenes in this film. There have been mild elements of sex in Argento’s previous films, but never to the extent we saw in this one. I wont say I prefer it, but it was nice to see Argento give us something he usually does not implore. Of course, it is always nice when sex involves a horribly disfigured woman.
Aside from Argento’s positive direction the storyline is an ok on. Not amazing, but with such a short runtime it is hard to fit in much development. Nonetheless, the story moves and developes nicely as we go from one sense of horror to another at the hands of Jenier.
My one little beef with this film was that I had the climax guessed by the second the opening series began. Yes, I am not joking. Some may not care too much, and neither did I, but it is always nice when you cannot guess the film’s climax within the first 5 minutes of the film.
Overall, this is a nice watch and a positive installment into the “Masters of horror” TV series by one of horror’s maestros. Give this one a chance.
While we here at Dan Eats Cat Food fully support the institution of love (and the act of love – I’m talking getting dick action), we’re a little more antsy about that of marriage. Not that we aren’t in favor of it, mind you. We’ve made major bank working as priests-for-hire in Vegas. Who would have thought that wearing one of those white collars and yelling at the top of your voice that you do discount weddings for anyone with a pulse and sometimes even without one would get so much attention? (Yes, who would possibly have thought that? -ed.)
However, we have noticed a disturbing trend as of late. You damn kids are getting married earlier and earlier now, damning yourself to a cold and sexless existence at younger and younger ages. Why are you doing this to yourselves? Live free! Die hard! Spread your youthful seed across hundreds of aching wombs and let your burning ovaries be doused with random dude juice! Enjoy your youth and the unlimited use of your genitals before you become old, bitter and only sexually appealing to mummies…and maybe Anna Nicole Smith’s zombie. Married at eighteen? Gonna let you in on a little secret, kiddies. This isn’t the 1880s! You aren’t already a quarter of the way to your death. You don’t have to latch yourself on to the first man to spank your ass. So why do you? Well, through extensive research and a little bit of pulling it out of his ass, Foreign Correspondent KaosTheory was able to determine some of the basic causes of Premature Matrimonation. (He coined that phrase. That wasn’t us. – ed.)
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Though I am no longer allowed within 500 feet of the University of Rutgers, the research I managed to do there was invaluable. Here are some of the most common reasons for college marriage that I managed to determine. (Read: scribbled onto his thigh with a Sharpie during a frat party. We read your expense accounts, KT. -ed.)
1 ) One or both marrying parties are drunk and/or high: This didn’t surprise me as much as it probably should have. Then again, I was about two-thirds of the way through a bottle of Raspberry Mad Dog 20/20, so I was leaning a bit towards the drunk category myself. Apparently it’s a thing these days to get all liquored up on mimosas and cheap whiskey, hop in the car, drive to Atlantic City and get hitched, creating an embarrassing “morning-after” and adding the title “divorcee” to your long and distinguished family history. I’m sure that Daddy Fortune 500 CEO is going to be thrilled that his daughter got married to – and divorced from – Fratbag McDouchecock because he got her all Ke$ha’d and convinced her that he could be her sugar daddy if they got married, neglecting of course to mention that his view of marriage isn’t living and loving and growing as people but is in fact just a legal right to SODOMY.
2 and 3 ) Out of some misplaced sense of obligation/”It’s time”: I combined these two motivations into one category because they are basically the same thing, only phrased differently. “It’s time” is generally the more common of the two. “It’s time” occurs when two people dated all the way through high school but couldn’t detach enough of their own personalities from the tangled morass that was their relationship to be able to amicably break up and go to different colleges. THIS means that they in fact attend the same college, still dating, still clingy and immature and will gain no character growth unless they actually end it and begin to date around. But of course that won’t possibly happen because they’re so much in love so eventually it becomes so ridiculously overblown that two things happen at the same moment (these two motivations, hint hint). First off, the girl is so enamored with him that she begins to drop horribly unsubtle hints to the guy that, since they’ve been together for anywhere from two to five years, it’s time to start talking about taking that next step which, if we’re being honest, is more like a short drop with a sudden, violent stop. The dude then – clearly in over his head or maybe just simply addicted to having something to put his dick in – feels as if he should propose because she is so right for him and – let’s face it – dating this one girl for so long has ruined him in the eyes of other women. So…hooray for love?
4 ) To deflect a fight: Let’s play it straight here, shall we? Fights between boyfriends and girlfriends happen constantly, probably every day if sitcoms are to be believed. But what happens if you really fuck up bad? I’m not talking forgetting to call during a weekend out with the boys. I’m not talking accidentally embarrassing her in front of her sorority sisters leading to her being called “Little Miss Bitchpants” for the rest of her tenure at school. I’m talking more of a “Oh shit, she just caught me banging her mother in the family room while wearing a Batman mask and singing ‘God Bless The USA’ in Spanish” kind of mistake. How do you recover from that? She obviously is going to want to send your ass the way of boy bands, probably with aching balls and a black eye. What you have to do is take her mind totally off of what just happened. THAT, my friend, is when you whip out the ring, say “surprise” and hope that she buys that it was all a ruse, even if it wasn’t. Smooth.
5 )”I hate fun”: This one lands firmly on the side of cynicism but it’s a legitimate motivation. Look at it like this. You’re in college. You’re young, presumably attractive, and virile as hell. You can get smashed with your boys then go out and be balls-deep in some strange poon by midnight. Weekends in Cabo. Poker nights with tequila shots. Spring Break where it is entirely possible to fuck the light fantastic until you’re nothing more than a Ken doll. It’s the American Dream. But instead, you got MARRIED. Staying in and watching Grey’s Anatomy. Wine tastings with other married couples. Missionary only and the occasional blowjob but God help you if you don’t warn her before liftoff. Why in God’s name would you do that? Well, in light of the alternative, it’s clearly simple. You hate having fun. Enjoy your rice cakes, you raging, boring-ass dingleberry.
6 )Baby Time: We get it. You have urges. Maybe you have a woman that lets you stick it to her. That’s awesome. But let’s say that maybe one night, maybe when the two of you got a little toasty on jello shooters, you forgot to shrink-wrap Dr. Doom. We get it. It happens. Just give her the morning-after pill and maybe keep your distance for a few days. You know. To clear your head a bit and panic in private. Well, what do you do when she calls and tells you she’s throwing up every morning and is feeling fat? I suppose you COULD get an abortion but that just makes you an irresponsible shithead. “Accidentally” push her down a flight of stairs? Well sure, you could do that and gain all the benefits that a miscarriage can grant you…but what if she dies? Then you have murder on your hands. Better to just grit your teeth, bite the bullet, kiss your life good-bye and make her an honest woman. Good luck, you poor sumbitch.
7 ) Insanity: Finally, we have the simplest motivation of all. You’re out of your fucking mind. You are full-bore, Grade-A, commit him now before he shits himself at the opera insane. Why would you lock yourself into something lifelong before you even know who you are? It’s common knowledge that 20-somethings are the most mentally unstable demographic in the world ANYWAYS. Why engage in an activity DESIGNED to promote instability when you’re already bad enough? It’s like having blue balls then smacking yourself in the crotch with a pipe wrench! It boggles the mind. So, then, the only explanation is that you’re batshit nuts. That’s about all there is to it.
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So, in conclusion…
(Uh, KT. How much of this is actual research and how much of it is just drunken pontificating? – ed.)
(This thing was like…ninety-five percent bullshit. – KT.)
(Wonderful. Let’s call it a day before you piss off any more retardsImeanmarriedcouples. Eh heh heh. – ed.)
If I could be imprisoned for my thoughts, I would probably be incarcerated for life. Of course, those thoughts alone have imprisoned me already.
Who am I? I am nobody, and for that reason, I am everybody. I am a spouse and a divorcee. I have been a star employee, and I have been fired. I am someone’s child and I have a child of my own. I have been part of the middle class sprung up from the lower class and have fallen again within the grasp of poverty. Therefore, my story is your story and you are imprisoned right along with me.
Longing
I t is nearly one in the morning. I should be asleep, but I am not. I should at least be working on my novel, but I cannot bring myself to working on that either. How can I write a romance when my husband will not even stay home or touch me when he is? Perhaps my writing comes from my longing. It is what I wish for. I want a happy ending, the kind that is found in a novel, but there does not seem to be one in my future. There is no climatic event. It is more like a dull end to a poorly written novel. There is no resolution. It just ends.
It is strange to long for something that you claim you do not want, but as much as I can openly deny it to all of my family and friends, I want this relationship. I want this man. I want him to want me. I feel empty and alone. I cry when I see couples obviously in love. I cry when I see a man taking his wife’s hand in his and leading her in prayer. I want this so badly that I have to look away. I know that I will never have what they have and I want it. I desperately want it.
I am not a book lover. To be honest, I can barely count the number of books that I have read till date. Although, I would like to talk about “Eleven Minutes” which I consider as my top favourite. I am sure most of you have read it by now. The author needs no introduction. He is one of the matured writes and a soulful one at that. Although Alchemist has been ranked as the top grossing seller, my vote goes to Eleven Minutes simply because of the simplicity, sensitivity and maturity interwoven in one of the most talked about subjects “love and sex”. The novel explores the sacred nature of love and sex juxtaposed with each. According to me, this is a gift by Paulo and I truly cherish it. For all those people who haven’t read Eleven Minutes, this one’s for you. Thought provoking quotes by the very famous brazilian writer, Paulo Coelho.
At every moment of our lives we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.
Eleven Minutes
While she was waiting for her Prince Charming to appear, all she could do was dream.
Eleven Minutes
When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side… And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly? Life moves very fast. It rushes from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds.
The Alchemist
From Maria’s Diary.
After a while she began to enter a kind of paradise, the feelings grew in intensity, until she noticed that she could no longer see or hear clearly, everything appeared to be tinged with yellow, and then she moaned with pleasure and had her first orgasm. Orgasm! It was like floating up to heaven and then parachuting slowly down to earth again.
Eleven Minutes
Maria discovers masturbation.
…but something always went wrong, and the relationship would end precisely at the moment when she was sure that this was the person with whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life. After a long time, she came to the conclusion that men brought only pain, frustration, suffering and a sense of time dragging.
Eleven Minutes
The power of beauty: what must the world be like for ugly women?
Eleven Minutes
There was one thing her mother said that she never forgot: ‘Beauty, my dear, doesn’t last.’
Eleven Minutes
Sometimes you get no second chance and that it’s best to accept the gifts the world offers you.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
If I must be faithful to someone or something, then I have, first of all, to be faithful to myself.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
If I’m looking for true love, I first have to get the mediocre love out of my systems.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
The little experience of life I’ve had has taught me that no one owns anything, that everything is an illusion – and that applies to material as well as spiritual things.
The Alchemist
From Maria’s diary.
Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally come to realize that nothing really belongs to them.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
It is not time that changes man, nor knowledge; the only thing that can change someone’s mind is love.
Eleven Minutes
I’m not a body with a soul, I’m a soul that has a visible part called body.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
But if I don’t think about love, I will be nothing.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
Humans can withstand a week without water, two weeks without food, many years of homelessness, but not loneliness. It is the worst of all tortures, the worst of all sufferings.
Eleven Minutes
All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement… Freedom only exists when love is present. The person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves the most.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
There is always a right moment to stop something.
The Alchemist
Being young inevitably means making mistakes.
Eleven Minutes
Passion: it can be used to describe the beauty of an earth-shaking meeting between two people… It’s there in the excitement of the unexpected, in the desire to do something with real fervor, in the certainty that one is going to realize a dream. Passion sends us signal that guide us through our lives, and it’s up to me to interpret those signs.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
The great aim of every human being is to understand the meaning of total love. Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it. But in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
Passion makes a person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
Keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it – which of these two attitudes is the least destructive? I don’t know.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
Profound desire, true desire is the desire to be close to someone.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
What is real always finds a way of revealing itself.
Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
Really important meetings are planned by the souls long before the bodies see each other.
Eleven Minutes
The most important experiences a man can have are those that take him to the very limit; that is the only way we learn, because it requires all our courage. Eleven Minutes
Terence to Maria, quoting the Marquis de Sade.
It wasn’t necessary to know your own demons in order to find God. Eleven Minutes
Anyone who is in love is making love the whole time, even when they’re not. When two bodies meet, it is just the cup overflowing. They can stay together for hours, even days. They begin the dance one day and finish it the next, or – such is the pleasure they experience – they may never finish it. No eleven minutes for them. Eleven Minutes
Ralf to Maria.
Every human being experiences his or her own desire; it is part of our personal treasure and although, as an emotion, it can drive people away… it brings those who are important to us closer. It is an emotion chosen by my soul, and it is so intense that it can infect everything and everyone around me. The Alchemist
From Maria’s Diary.
The strongest love is love that can demonstrate its fragility. Eleven Minutes
If you want to achieve your objectives, you have to be prepared for daily dose of pain and discomfort. Eleven Minutes
Sex has come to be used as some kind of a drug: in order to escape reality, to forget about problems, to relax. And like all drugs, this is a harmful and destructive practice. Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
We all have a clock inside us, and in order to make love, the hands on both clocks have to be pointing to the same time… If you love another person, you don’t depend on sex act to feel good. Two people who live together and love each other need to adjust the hands of their clocks, with patience and perseverance, until they realize that making love is more than just an encounter, it is genital ‘embrace’. Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s Diary.
If you live your life intensely, you experience pleasure all the time and don’t feel the need for sex. Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
When a teacher helps someone to discover something, the teacher always learns something new too. Eleven Minutes
Terence to Maria.
The world enjoys suffering and pain. There’s sadism in the way we look at these things, and masochism in our conclusion that we don’t need to know all this in order to be happy, and yet we watch other people’s tragedies and sometimes suffer along with them.
As I say, it’s the human condition. Ever since we were expelled from paradise, we have either been suffering, making other people suffer or watching the suffering of others. It’s beyond our control. Eleven Minutes
Terence to Maria.
Man has understood that suffering, if confronted without fear, is his passport to freedom. The Alchemist
When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself. Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
The art of sex is the art of controlled abandon. Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
We are human beings, we are born full of guilt; we feel terrified when happiness becomes real possibility; and we die wanting to punish everyone else because we feel impotent, ill-used and unhappy. Eleven Minutes
Ralf to Maria.
Why was it that in God’s holy world men were only interested in showing her pain. Sacred pain, pain with pleasure, pain with explanations or without, but always pain, pain, pain… Eleven Minutes
Maria.
“I felt that pain is a woman’s friend.”
“That is the danger.”
“I also felt that pain has its limits.” Eleven Minutes
Maria and Ralf.
…it’s (pain) a very powerful drug. It’s in our daily lives, in our hidden suffering, in the sacrifices we make, blaming love for the destruction of our dreams. Pain is frightening when it shows its real face, but it’s seductive when it comes disguised as sacrifice or self denial. Or cowardice. However much we may reject it, we human beings always find a way of being with pain, or flirting with it and making it a part of our lives. Eleven Minutes
Ralf to Maria.
Pain and suffering are used to justify the one thing that brings only joy: love. Eleven Minutes
Ralf to Maria.
I need to love – that’s all, I need to love. Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly. Eleven Minutes
From Maria’s diary.
Original sin was not the apple that Eve ate, it was her belief that Adam needed to share precisely the thing she had tasted. The Alchemist
Maria thinking.
Certain things cannot be shared. Nor can we be afraid of the ocean into which we plunge our own free will; Fear cramps everyone’s style. Man goes through hell in order to understand this. Love one another, but let’s not try to possess one another. The Alchemist
Maria thinking.
They all believe that man feels desire for only eleven minutes a day, and that they’ll pay a fortune for it. That’s not true; a man is also a woman; he wants to find someone, to give meaning to his life. Eleven Minutes
Maria thinking about the other prostitutes, her mother and her friends.
Bodies always understand each other, even when the souls do not. Eleven Minutes
Maria asks Ralf to touch her and feel her with his hands.
In all languages in the world, there’s the same proverb: “What the eyes don’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve over”. Well, I say there isn’t an ounce of truth in it. The further off they are, the closer to the heart are all those feelings we try to repress and forget. If we are in exile, we want to store away every tiny memory of our roots. If we’re far from the person we love, everyone we pass in the street reminds us of them. Eleven Minutes
Maria, in her diary, quoting a priest.
Love was necessary if one was to experience pleasure in bed. Eleven Minutes
Maria thinking.
The Western and Eastern world have a lot of opposing views on life, and these opposing views have caused a lot of conflict in the world, but there’s one thing that both the East and West agree on (for the most part) and that’s that boobies are evil.
Boobies? Really? I’ve done the moral calculations over and over, and I can’t see one reason why more boobies wouldn’t make the world a better place.
Far from deserving unquestionable respect, I think the elders who have defined our moral codes are suffering some serious psychological problems that are affecting their ability to discern reality from some sick and twisted fantasy world they live in where boobies are bad.
Enlightenment Transmission Intensive Central Helsinki, Finland
21 Mar 2010. Sunday. 12:30-16:30
The Hidden Energetics of the Male-Female Relationship
Forget sex, orgasm and love-making. Do you deeply know why men and women seek each other?
A candid look at the hidden energetic dynamics of the male-female relationship from an awakened perspective – free from fixed concepts, culture, tradition and dogma.
Become fully conscious of the essential purpose of male and female differences, the actual and correct flows of energy in a sexual relationship and the consequences.
This Intensive does not involve any overt sexual exploration but only an invisible, inner journey into your own awareness as a man or woman.
The Oshana Teaching is based on the direct experience of what works.
There will be time for questions and also a meditation or Oshana Energy-Work Method.
Eligibility: Open to everyone who has met Dave Oshana. If you are new then you should apply early to see if you need to prepare for the Transmission. Late applications might not get processed in time.
Registration: Pre-registration is required. Register early enough to receive orientation, special guidance and preparation information.
Preparation: You are strongly recommended to read and follow (as much as possible) the basic advice about Enlightenment Intensive Preparation and to listen to live, or replay, classes at DaveOshana.Com – by doing so you will familiarize yourself with the Teaching, and thereby absorb and integrate as much of the experience as possible when you attend the teaching events.
Orientation: Full orientation information will be emailed at least 2 days before the event to those who are registered.
Your contribution: 55€
One-to-Ones: Personal One-to-One meetings with Oshana are bookable. A chance to be with Oshana and clear the obstacles from your spiritual path.
Live Online Classes: Every Sunday there are live online classes with Dave Oshana (bookable at daveoshana.com) – and also – free audio teaching.
Contact: OshanaFinland by contact-form or phone/text: 040-900-8645
I lost my virginity in the summer between 10th and 11th grade to a girl I barely knew.
She was a friend of a friend who I had met at camp. I went to a small, private high school and had known my classmates since we were all 5 years old. With only about 45 girls in my grade, the pickings were sort of slim, so it was nice to be away from all that and meet someone new.
But, as I said, I barely knew her. I only knew her first name, which was Anna. I didn’t even learn her last name. We met when my friend from camp invited some of us to his house for a cookout. I did not know any one else there, save a few other campers, but I managed to hit it off with this girl. She wasn’t extremely pretty or anything, but she was new and seemed to enjoy talking to me. We started to text each other every day after that, but it wasn’t serious. Just playful flirting like asking her how her day was. It wasn’t even PG-13 stuff. When she finally decides she wants to see me again, I leapt at the opportunity. I got myself dressed up and drove myself to her house arriving 5 minutes late so she has that extra time to make herself look nice.
I rang the doorbell and she invited me in. She took my hand and then dragged me to her bedroom. Being a stupid 16-year-old, I had no idea what was going on. I was just excited someone was going to see a movie with me. Guess that wasn’t going to happen now. We get to her room and she started making out with me.
Now, Anna was my first real girlfriend. Even I use that term loosely, but still, I thought that making out was a little odd on the first date just based on my knowledge teen romantic comedy movies. Of course, how could I say no to a little tongue action?
It wasn’t until we sat on her bed and she started taking off my shirt did I start thinking something wrong was going on. Then she took her shirt off. Then her pants. Then my pants. Then her bra.
I didn’t even get a chance to really experience the first time some girl showed me her boobs because by the time I saw them she had already managed to pull down my boxers. Little Me was already standing at attention and she wasted no time introducing him to her hand and then her tongue.
All I could think was, “Well, this is interesting.” Pleasure never even entered my mind. I was just worried what would happen next.
After she spent a little time down there, it was time for the big show. She slipped out of her pink polka-dotted panties and asked me if I had a condom. Well, considering I just wanted to see a movie, I wasn’t exactly ready for that moment. I told her no, but she opened her drawer and picked one out. She ripped the package open and began to put it on me. She asked if I was a virgin and I told her I was. Apparently, I was going to be her first time too. So much for the romance. That was clearly not going to happen.
I laid there with my back on her bed and she got in position. 3 2 1 and touchdown. I didn’t have to a thing. She just kinda sat there and wiggled around on top of me. Finally she figured out that sex involved more than just sitting on a penis, so she started to bounce on top of me, hoping that would finally do the trick. I tried to help, but I was still in shock. After a few minutes, I finally snapped out of it and put every porn move I had seen into action, which probably wasn’t the best idea, but it got the job done. I actually managed to last about 10 minutes but she actually had an orgasm before I did. That’s right ladies, not only did I give her an orgasm the first time, but I was not a minute man either. Impressive, I know, especially for a horny 16-year-old virgin.
After she let me finish, we both laid there for a while trying to catch our breath and stop sweating. Then she got up, put her underwear back on and tells me “That was fun. I guess we’re done now.” Huh? I put my clothes on and she took me down to the front door. All she said was “goodbye” and closed the door behind me.
I tried to text her and call her back, but she never responded. To this day, I can’t remember her last name (if I even learned it in the first place) and the one time I tried to friend her on Facebook, I discovered she had blocked me.
As I said, the term “girlfriend” hardly applies here, but it’s better than thinking I was some poor guy she used to sex her up only to ditch immediately afterward. I was just her boyfriend for about 15 minutes. I am not a sex toy.
The story begins at the beach. She was sitting and waiting for some simple miracle. Some slowly moments were passing by. Her bikini was swimming on my imaginary sea. It was a pure accident. I’m Nigel Tomm and this is my new photo installation art (Most Famous Photography by Most Popular, Interesting & Influential Portraits of Sexy Amateur Nude as People or Famous Photographers in One Person Series). Title:
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Sexy Bikini Girl Nude No Bikini at the Beach Photo of Sexy Bikini Sea Girl (2010)
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“ Nigel Tomm’s photography edits the art of natural sexuality. “
— Sigmund Freud
So I’m back home now, with my hair in rollers and packed into a hooded dryer. I’ve just taken my Metformin, and in an hour will take progesterone. Surprisingly, I haven’t felt the need to raid the trying to conceive or other baby sites. I did so much of that years ago, back when I used to hopefully think I was pregnant at the slightest twinge. The difference? Back then there were real men. Real as in they existed, which is not necessarily a testament to their manliness. Even when I had sex with condoms, I would hope that they’d break. It never happened. And now my man comes in a tiny vial.
I have given up entirely on the possibility of marriage. It’s interesting that I no longer fantasize about that. I am in love with my best friend, but it is unrequited — he is not in love with me, nor will he ever be, and as far as our friendship is concerned, he means more to me than I to him. So maybe, if it were him, and if he could bring himself to be monogamous, and if he weren’t married already, then marriage, yes. Those “ifs” will outlast my lifetime. They are impossible. So I settle for the piece of him that I have, which are like flashes of light in the darkness, and struggle not to let my love consume me.
He asked me recently why I fight it. I told him it was hard to explain, but it is not. It’s like burning. Falling in love is like bursting into flames. I am absolutely consumed with him. He is in my thoughts always. At night, I hear his name as I fall asleep. He will be my last great love as far as men are concerned. After him there will be no other. So I burn, but it has lately become tempered. I no longer touch him with burning fingers, try to envelope him from afar. He is no less on my mind, I just don’t convey it to him as much.
NOT HIGH HIGH BUT !havent had one for God knows how long. went running in the morning, which was though. havent been for like two weeks, so i felt it … and i have been smoking far too much recently. wasnt abele to run a good distance… neither good time… but done a bit at least. and as i had good energy that fact couldnt piss me off. good sign. than did some amazing YOGA.
watched the movie Into The Wild the night before and it was very inspiring. it was talking to my soul directly. somtimes i wish i could do exactly the same. i would love to leave everything behind and just go away… far away… where never been before… just be on my own and contemplate on life itself and figure out who am i really… that would be one of my wish for Genie.
Sometimes i just feel this i cannot and want not live in this rotten society. in this rigid, corrupt, surveillance society where consumption rules and money is indispensable. carrying the burden of your past, coping and trying to escape of your upbringing… you are always judged by your past… FOREVER
(what have you accomplished??? who are your parents??? what do they do??? why did you do this ‘n that??? WHERE ARE YOU COMING FROM???…. BLABLABLA…)
but WHAT IF you just want to escape … you dont want to have a past – utopian a bit… – …
just live for NOW for the MOMENT and look into the FUTURE with excitement… why do we always have to be reminded of our past…
its fucking NOT RELEVANT… not any more… its only past experience
it stays with us anyway cos thats why we are WHO we really are, the consequesce of our past is ourself therefor there is no fucking reason in vomiting the past all the time…
not to mention the dreams or rather nightmares… in my case that can srcew up my day big time… and i have it fairy often… dreams about past.sucks
apparently, its a coping/dealing mechanism… to tackle unfinished businesses with yourself… WHAT IF I DONT WANT TO FACE WITH THEM AGAIN, JUST LEAVE THEM BEHIND… UNFINISHED! and than what… well, than my mind gets screwed up … and here comes contradiction! my mind should obey to me, since my feelings, reactions, notions are my decisions …
CLEVER MIND! HARE KRISNA!
i dont want to deal with those stuff anymore… had enough of bad memories, ex-boys, weaknesses… neither do i want sexual dreams. no! i want to live them not dream of them or yearn for them.
dont want to be in LA-LA LAND.
only if i intend to do so, while being awake and being able to control my adventures in LA-LA LAND
WELL im clinically mental so this crap is OK from me. – what does society think about this??? … well, i dont belong to those who cares… – and probably thats one reason of the many which determines the fact that i sleep with a squeeze, soft, little black button eyed puppy… my little LOVE
and here am i again talking about loneliness… my perpetual issue
enviousness towards those in relationship… SOMETIMES
INCONSISTENCY -> my world, solitary
when i go for a run and its rather a fight than a pleasant exercise i feel jealous … in ideal situation your daily exercise is provided by sex, which is of course much more than simple body workout… its just one of its diverse virtues… more like a cure for everything…
am i in lack of sex???? ahhhhhh… most definitely
YES
therefore, i do run and i do yoga! better than nothing… i need it inasmuch as air and light
You can hardly go to the shop, watch a movie, or surf the net, without sexual innuendo’s infiltrating something in view. In light of the sexual revolution in our day, and in light of the multiplicity of ridiculous opinions concerning sex from main stream society, here’s a Biblical view of sex for our sex hungry generation to feed on.
In a time where sex and all its trimmings are put into the forefront of our consideration on a daily basis, how shall we think & talk about this thing – sex – which grips & fills longings of young & old in our day? Through media, principalities, advertising, work place conversations, social settings and the inner thought life of Billions, the issue, experience & prospect of sex is huge focus of daily life across the earth.
The general opinion of secular media, in it’s fallen confusion, has exalted sex to a god like status i.e. sex should be sought after at all cost’s, money should be given to it, personal behavior should be conformed to attract it, it should be thought about often & it should be shared with many people. In doing this, our pop-culture, has reduced it to some common yet exiting thing that should be given out freely “so long as long as your safe & self-protective about it” – i.e. condom, pill, abortion. Other’s, in legalistic confusion, or because of bad experience, have defamed it or reduced it to being some necessary evil which should only be done to procreate. All the while God Himself has declared to us what it is, why it is, how it should be done, and what it’s designed for.
These are the three prevailing sentiments in our day concerning sex. 2 of them are wrong & 1 is right.
God: Firstly & wrongly, the majority of our generation hail sex as “God”. Money’s given to it, it’s sought after, read about, prepared for, thought about often, and shared with many. These are all behavioral patterns that follow the devoted worshiper’s of the many world religions across the earth. Every year, some 800,000,000 pornographic dvd’s are purchased in the U.S. alone. It is a billion dollar a year industry and brings in more per annum than the NBA, NHL & Major League Baseball combined. This is ridiculous, defaming & destroying to the pinnacle of God’s creation – the human body which was created to be filled with the glory and pleasure of God.
Sociology stats say that those sexually active from a young age have higher rates of depression, suicide, drug abuse, drunkenness, family problems, pregnancy, & abortion than many other social group.
Scripture gives us the progression of how sex wrongly becomes an idol to man.
Romans 1 say’s that “claiming to be wise, (humanity) became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images (pornography in our day) resembling mortal man…they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever… For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error…” – Romans 1
The progression of how sex becomes God to humanity is this: when God’s glory (His nature & ways) is not acknowledged, enjoyed and worshiped at the forefront in the human mind & heart, the way is made for the eyes to be turned & focused upon lesser things and thus eventually adored & followed in the place of God – in our day, as it was in Paul’s, it’s sex and the human body.
Gross: Other’s respond to this and say that “sex is not God it’s gross.” This is the second prevailing sentiment. Many religious people, misguided youth group cultures, and many who have been tragically affected by sexual abuse tend to see sex as gross & defiling. Legalistic people see sex as an impure thing, that shouldn’t be talked about much (especially in the church) & that it should only be done in marriage to make children. On the other hand, people who have been tragically scared by the memory of sexual abuse tend to see sex through the lens of past negative experience’s. These memories scar leave a defiling residue within the soul (mind, will & emotions) thus making sex seem as if it’s gross. Sex is then sometimes totally rejected or totally embraced in wrong ways i.e. Some stat’s suggest 90 percent of all prostitutes, minus the slave trade industry, were sexually abused at a young age.
Both of these views on sex – that it’s either “God” & “Gross” – are killer’s to God ‘s full plan for it.
Gift – The Biblical plan for sex is this: it is a gift to be enjoyed, kept holy & cultivated in marriage between one woman & one man in covenant with God through Jesus. The Bible declares that sex is a God given, God ordained, God designed, God sanctified, God glorifying gift, given to humanity for their enjoyment, in marriage, for the purpose of one man & one woman becoming one, making children, and enjoying each other till death do they part. In the beginning, God created all things good, including sex and the means to do it i.e. humanities sexual organs. This means that sex is not God, nor is it gross. It is a good gift, from a good God, for a good purpose, to make a good thing, very good. Because God created Adam (man) and Eve (woman), we can rightly & authoritatively conclude that heterosexual marriage, is the only God ordained context for sex to be truly good and truly enjoyable.
The Bible gives us a few of the God’s purposes designed purposes for sex in marriage. 1) Sex is for oneness & union between a man & woman – Genesis 2:24 2) Sex is for pleasure in marriage – A Literal, Non-Allegorical Interpretation of The Song of Solomon. 3) To make children & families – Genesis 1:28. 4) For comfort in times of grief – 2 Samuel 12:24. 5) For spiritual protection – 1 Corinthians 7:5.
In Conclusion
God designed sex to be a gift. It’s not God and it’s not gross. It’s not meant to be shared around like a game of “pass the parcel” with heaps of different people. It is meant for one man and one woman for the duration of their life together for the enjoyment, oneness, comfort, procreation, & protection. The human heart was made to rejoice in & glorify God, in all things, including sex – within the covenant of heterosexual marriage. And in that, there is great hope for all who have used, abused or been abused by sex in a wrong way: In Jesus, there is a powerful & steadfast assurance of forgiveness, cleansing, healing, restoration & justice. By faith in Him, by the power of the Holy Spirit, because of His shed blood, you have assurance, that if you believe in Him & confess Him as the Savior & Lord of your life, He will make all things new for you and He will cleanse you of the sinful residue of your experience. And in it’s place He’ll give you soul satisfying, mind restoring, heart rejoicing joy & freedom in His presence – see John 15:11; Psalm 16:11.
In closing, therefore “let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed (marital intimacy) be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. (Hebrews 13:4)”
Here I am, lying in bed, basking in the glow and tingle of a very recent, very strong orgasm – given to me by, wait for it… My husband!
I had taken myself to bed early and was reading. He wandered into our room and questionned if I was ok, not sick etc. He sat beside me and asked me if there was anything he could do to help me, peeling the sheet off my naked body, he stroked and kissed me, working his way down – my brain screaming YES ORAL! He unflinchingly licked an sucked and used his fingers exactly as I have shown him over the years that works best on me and within 5 minutes had me in orgasm heaven. No faking required! I asked if he wanted me to return the favor, but more in line with his usual behavior he kissed my forehead and said no silly, you just go to sleep. Then he wandered out of the room back to his telly show!!!
Now this is a very unusual occurance on many levels. I have not pestered him for sex for over 2 months, so he can’t be feeling guilty. It was so random, he just walked in, made me cum and walked out, sweet as sugar. He usually dislikes licking my pussy a LOT, over the 13 years we have been together I strongly doubt if he has performed oral on me more than 20 times, and most of that was in the first few years. I don’t even get it for birthdays or valentines or christmas even if I beg for it.
To think that 5 minutes between my legs was all he needed, and it was a very strong, very long orgasm. I am thinking back to Tuesday when I had Richards face in my pussy, and I could feel orgasm potential, but it was deep down. I knew he would not be able to coax it out of me, not for a long time, and then it would be the type of cumming like when you have your vibe on too fast and it just forces it out of you, involuntarily, like a sneeze and about as satisfying. I faked it, I mean what he was doing felt fantastic, but I could feel it wasn’t going to work. How does my husband do it, tease a happy orgasm out of me as easily as making a kitten chase a piece of string?
Some Things Never Change: Exploring the Universal Lines and Gimmicks Men Use To Seduce Women
Ladies, do not be fooled!
You are either a hit or a miss. This post is about exposing the tricks and lines of the trades that men like to recycle and reuse to get your panties off. I’m all for greener living but I’m all for throwing out garbage lines. Below are the most common “If you’re not careful, he is gonna tap that ASS” scenerios you may find yourself in.
The Massage
Ladies, we all have heard this line before. It starts like this “Oh you look so tense, let me give you a massage”. Being a little naive, you agree and figure it is harmless. He then thinks he’s slick and slips his hand under your shirt, claiming only to want to really get into your muscles…then, promplty pretends to be hindered by your bra which he removes…then ladies…wait for it…wait for it…he opens his trickster mouth and says “why dont you get NAKED so that I can give you a full body massage?”. Ladies do not buy it…it is only THE PRELUDE, DO NOT be deluded, his nakedness will soon follow suit and you will be doing the horizontal tango. A word of advice: During the pre-shirt removal stage, you are in the safe zone BUT once you take off the shirt you have entered the Land Of No Return. There is a 75% chance, you will end up doing the dirty! So watch out for the massage gimmick!
The Tickle
Ladies…we are humans…It’s human nature. Most of us have a spot that is ticklish, but ladies your ticklish spot is not Waldo, there is no need for him to find it! Again this is another prelude. TICKLISH = DICKLISH, you will get some LICORICE STICK! He will tickle his way onto your right titty and into your panties; and if he’s any good you will laugh your way to the big O. What will be really funny though is if you fell for his waldo trickin ass and the shit wasnt even good. A word of advice: Leave the tickle games for the bedroom, and if you ain’t trying to get into a pickle (or pickled), stay very far away from the tickle.
Just The Tip…Or Just A Little Bit
Ladies…I know you have ALL experienced this one! “Let me just put in the tip, just the tip- I promise I won’t move” – This move is like the groundhog at the end of Winter, once the head pops out (or in this case, in) it has been declared Winter is over. Well in this case, SO ARE YOU! Do not be fooled, sure they will put just the tip in, but then they WILL accidently fall or slip the rest of it in too. Your like the old school Dip-A-Stick candy…once they dip the tip in and like the taste of the sweet flavour their going to most definitely put the rest of it in..and dip..and dip and dip. A word of advice: There’s no Santa Claus and there sure ain’t no guy that can just put the tip in. You better believe that a TIP IN will always lead to a DICK IN!
Just A Taste
Ladies, you know this is the line that gets you everytime! Your thinking, “how sweet, he just wants to please me and not himself” Correction! He just wants to give you some good cunning cunnilingus so that you will be out of your damn mind and he can come to the rescue slaying you with his sword. He is not really asking to taste you, he is asking for a taste of what he suspects will come soon enough. And you better hope you get a hungry one, because their is nothing worse than a man picking at his food, especially when its some damn good food! Word of Advice: Don’t be fooled! It starts with a taste and ends with the whole damn meal (appetizer, entree, and dessert included… if he is slick with it). And you best believe it, the bill is on you.
The Blanket
“Are you cold? Why dont we get under a blanket?” This line is sweet, thoughtful and FAKE. The blanket is really a ploy for the real blanket which is him, and he wants to cover you – limb to limb. This is how it begins. You’re at his house on the couch watching a movie. Now you know, prior to arriving at his house, homeboy either popped a window open or put the Air Conditioner on zero. Anyway, you’re there on the couch and he looks over at you sitting there freezing your ass off. Being the “gentleman” that he is, he kindly grabs you a blanket. As your underneath the blanket trying to defrost, you feel some rogue hand on your breasts and then they start unbutton your pants and then next thing you know BOOM, you start to feel some real heat. This can also happen at your place, he will claim he is cold even though there is perspiration on forehead. Don’t be a sucka! Word of Advice: Wear a sweater, coat, long john, or mittens if you need to because once the blanket comes on your panties are coming off.
Movie Night or Let’s Hang Out Night
Movie Night + Let’s Hang Out Night = The Ultimate “He is going to TAP THAT ASS!” scenerio. This is where you see The Massage, The Tickle, Just the Tip, Just A Taste, and The Blanket in their natural habitat. If a guy comes over to your place or you go over to his for any of these two occassion, you best believe something is going to pop off (literally). When a guyask you to have a movie night, what he’s really saying is you and he are going to be the stars of the show all night long and the pl ans for the performances to be Oscar and Academy Award Winning. Movie night is actually (home) Movie Night and he will pull out all the tricks of the trade. He has polished his lines for days, and they are ready to be tried and tested on you! Word of caution to the wise- Untense your muscles, throw away the blankets (if he’s coming to your house) or double up and dress warm (if your going to his), pad your ticklish spots, go out to eat a real dinner you BOTH can enjoy, and say NO to the tip!
So ladies,
This is it…the top 5 tricks of the bag that men will use to seduce you. Know them, learn them and choose wisely. Because you know and i know there will be some that you shrug your shoulders and just roll with, and others you need to say, man please!
You need to get in line with all your recycled-reusable lines. Because we have heard it all before. Dont forget that the 3 R’s consist of recycle, reuse and REDUCE! They have been tried, tested and over-used! So men, get your mind right and reduce those lines!
Did you know that condoms are twice as likely to split and prevent both partners from reaching orgasm (aarrgghh!!) if the condom does not fit correctly.
Around 45 % of men, sampled, use condoms that are not the right size. Not only does this increase the chance of their condom splitting, but it also includes other difficulties, it interferes with performance, doubles the chance of erection loss and is more likely to find the condom becoming uncomfortably dry before climax.
A significant reduction in the sensation and pleasure can be caused by an ill fitting condom; explainign why some men seem to think that sex with a condom is less pleasurable, resulting in them being less inclined to use protection, which in turn, contributes to a higher unwanted pregnancy rate and as importantly, more STI’s (sexually transmitted infections) are being spread.
Choosing the right sized condom can make sex really pleasurable.
Choosing the best condom size is simple. The average condom size will fit a majority of men comfortably (7inches long, 2 inches width, 5 inches girth) Magnum sized condoms are not much bigger; they are 8 inches long and 6 inches width. Large condoms work well for these men as they are not as restrictive as the average size. Snug fit condoms tend to usually be the same length as average condoms the only difference is the width. They are about 1.75 inches wide. These condoms are for men with less width; they will prevent any slipping off during sex and have less chance of excessive material ruining your pleasure.
Importantly, condoms should be stored in a cool, dry place to keep their reliability at the highest it can be. Also remember when putting on a condom, that there should be no air left in the tip as there needs to be room for the semen if ejaculation occurs.
Next time you think sex with a condom is less pleasurable, think again, and think about checking your condom size!
Therein lies my dilemma: in items like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Not to mention every Cosmo, episode of the L Word, innocent trip to Victoria Secret and so on and so on and so on. Which side wins out? I wouldn’t say I’m an outright feminist, but as a woman, a future professional, etc, I would say I certainly have a respect for women. I believe we deserve equal rights, are equally capable, shouldn’t have to change ourselves to function in the business/professional world, etc. Additionally, I don’t think women should degrade (or have to degrade) themselves, especially not for anyone else’s pleasure. I know, on an intellectual level, that there’s nothing sexy or attractive about a Sports Illustrated or a Victoria Secret model… but….
Then I have this lesbian level… or, that’s not really fair, we call it (somewhat less eloquently) the very interested in women level… on that level, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue… or Victoria Secret or Frederick’s or the L Word, or any of that…. In fact I find them all quite enjoyable– and then of course I’m racked with the guilt of my feminist self…
It’s just not fair, lol. And our I’m simply too shallow… but that doesn’t sound pleasant. So I’m going to leave it that it is an unfair difficulty to be consumed (as a woman) with women’s rights and yet unavoidably attracted to the insulting. *sigh*, the plight of the morally corrupt (and/or human . )
Right, I’ll begin apologising to the easily offended amongst you because this one may get a little graphic in parts.
I don’t understand the appeal of anal sex. One of my friends approaches every relationship or sexual encounter with a blind desire to perform such an act – I say desire, but drooling enthusiasm or total, unhinged craving would be more accurate terms. I’m in the lucky position where I’m constantly regaled with tales of him initiating and performing anal on his past conquests – some with horrendous results – and it’s a pursuit that he swears by.
First of all, I can’t imagine how the whole process isn’t excruciating painful for the person of the receiving end. I can understand the visual aspects, as I’m as much a fan of a deliciously sculpted female rear as the next man, but inserting something into what is strictly an exit whole and then vigorously thrusting it whilst inside sits entirely foreign with me. Surely no woman would willingly want to be on the receiving end? I’ve watched enough porn in my time to have to seen one or two of the ‘actresses’ appear as if their having a blinding time, but in the confines of their private life I can’t picture them saying; “There’s sod all on the box.. Do me in the arse?”
The needs for un-natural lubrications doesn’t sit well either. When a girl is aroused, the moisture created in the appropriate area is joyous, which is why I can’t see smearing someone’s arse with a finger of Vaseline as anything other than a task a medical professional should be doing.
Worst of all is that I think it’s only an act of hate. I can’t envisage saying to my girlfriend “Darling, I truly love you with all my heart. All that’s missing from our union is me being able to viciously fuck you in the most painful area and most likely causing you to crap yourself over the carpet, because that’s love to me”. It’s something that large, tattooed convicts do to one another because of gang feuds or simply because there isn’t much in the way of an alternate option.
That’s just my opinion.
I await other views and a lot of vitriol, no doubt.
Ever since Health Secretary Esperanza Cabral and her Department of Health (DoH) staff started distributing free condoms on Valentine’s Day as part of their campaign to stem the spread of the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV), which causes Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS), she, in particular, has become a controversial figure.
But, why would her action be considered controvertible by the Catholic hierarchy when her professional training as a doctor dictates that this move could very well prevent, if not slow down, the escalation of HIV/AIDS?
What makes the conduct of giving free condoms to the public an affront to ‘Catholic sensitivity,’ displeasing the Catholic bishops to the extent that they are mounting an assault against the government for tolerating it and venting their ire on Health Secretary Cabral whom they want kicked out of office because of the project?
Is maligning the person the prize one gets now for doing a good job for government that is of the people, by the people and for the people?
We, including the Catholic hierarchy, should be thankful to Secretary Cabral for going that extra mile in monitoring and warning the public that the present number of HIV cases had doubled in the last five years since 1984.
The state is doing right in looking after the welfare of the Filipino people.
It is about time we take the HIV/AIDS scourge seriously. Something has got to be done.
Lip service by the Catholic Church about the plague will not get us anywhere.
Remember back when Grey’s Anatomy was a HAPPY show, one filled with hot cast members, snappy one-liners, and adorable on-call room hijinks? A show that was light on the medical mysteries but SUPER HEAVY on the sex? That was the Grey’s I loved . . . the one that made me squeal with delight, as I settled in front of the television, every Thursday night, for my weekly dosage of McDreamy goodness.
As the seasons progressed, however, I started to see less and less of that Grey’s. Eventually, I began to wonder whether I would ever see it again . . .
But just as I was about to write off the series as being past its prime, Grey’s goes and airs an episode like this one. It was a feel-good episode, one where doctors joked with and smiled at one another, and the patients you cared about actually survived. During “Perfect Little Accident,” our favorite Grey’s characters didn’t just get screwed, they got lucky. Everybody came out a winner last night, the fans included.
It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, just thinking about it . . .
So, without further adieu, let’s let the happy healing begin, shall we?
Happy Vah-jay-jay Day!
At least at Seattle Grace, yesterday was a great day NOT to have a weiner . . .
“Hey! I resemble that remark!”
During ”Perfect Little Accident,” it was the women who scored, both in the ER and in the bedroom. Throughout the hour, the members of the fairer sex uttered the funniest lines, doled out the best advice, and had the most fun. In short, “Perfect Little Accident” was just chock full of GIRL POWER!
Hey look! It’s Victoria Beckham and . . . those other girls who’s names I can’t remember.
Even the typically mopey Meredith and dour-faced Christina appeared positively perky and well-adjusted last night. Did I mention that the episode ended with a “Girls’ Night,” during which the entire female component of the cast bonded during a lighthearted game of softball? It doesn’t get much more women’s lib-ey than that!
But if I absolutely had to pick a winner for the ”luckiest” female character from last night’s episode, Lexie Grey would have taken the prize. Ever since she ditched old fogey Sloan (we’ll get to him in a bit) and dyed her hair blond, Lexie has literally been getting lucky all over the place.
In the episode’s opening moments, Lexie is nude in bed, trying to decide on a seductive pose with which to greet her latest sexcapade partner, Alex the Uber Slut. This seems like a lot of wasted effort to me. After all, a rotten banana could probably seduce Alex without trying that hard . . .
“You’re asking me what my ‘type’ is? Do you have a pulse? Then, we are good to go. Wait . . . no pulse? I’d be willing to negotiate . . .”
(By the way, don’t get me wrong. I love Lexie’s glamorous new look. But don’t you think the makeup department is overdoing it just a bit with her? While the rest of the female doctors on the show sport natural, no-fuss, looks, that appear at home in an ER – lately, Sexy Lexie looks more like she’s ready to attend some snooty awards gala than change a colostomy bag . . .)
Back at the hospital, Meredith and Christina warn Lexie about getting too up-close and personal with Dr. McManWhore. “Emotionally, Alex is like me three years ago,” explains Meredith.
When Lexie assures the girls that she does not have romantic feelings for Alex, neither of them buy it. “Your heart lives in your vagina,” argues Christina (yes, they actually used the word VAGINA on ABC . . . like three times, actually – I was shocked!)
Unlike Nikki from HBO’s Big Love, Lexie has a Happy Vagina, and, likely, a Happy Uterus, as well . . .
Despite the girls’ taunts, Lexie proves herself true to her word. When Alex accuses her becoming overly emotional, and blabbing about their sex life to her ex — Lexie really lets him have it. “If you can’t handle being used for sex, then, please, just tell me, so I can find a guy who can,” demands Lexie.
Well, that’s all it took. Alex was seduced . . . AGAIN. The pair found an on-call room in which to screw eachother’s brains out, mere seconds later.
Dr. Feel Good
Lexie may have been having the BEST no-frills sex last night, but her ex, Mark Sloan a.k.a Dr. McSteamy, was having the MOST. Within the episode’s hour, he was seen banging a pharmaceutical rep, a nurse, and the daughter of a patient who came in for leg surgery, but ended up getting her hearing fixed by the God of Plastic Surgery, himself (I’m still not quite sure how the latter medical miracle happened, but, as a plot device, I guess it worked).
And yet, despite all the Luuuve, Sloan was the one person in this episode who wasn’t particularly happy. If Lexie’s heart is in her vagina, Sloan’s brain is in his penis. Despite the fact that McSteamy was “spreading his seed” all over the damn place, he still didn’t want his ex Lexie doing the same thing (well, not spreading her seed exactly, because she’s a girl, but . . . oh, never mind!). So Sloan did what all ‘Real Men” do in situations like this, he whined like a bitch.
“Who you calling a bitch?”
When Sloan wasn’t getting it on with some floozy during this episode, he was callously and immaturely berating fellow male slut, Alex, kicking him out of surgeries, and generally peeing all over him. At the end of the episode, Sloan confronted Alex and sort of apologized for his misbehavior. And, yet, doing so didn’t make him look like any less of a WEINERHEAD.
“OK. Now you’re just making me mad!”
Three’s a Crowd . . . Pleaser
“So, this is what smiling feels like? I like it . . .”
You know who wasn’t a weinerhead at all this episode? Christina Yang! My girl, Christina, was just filled with mature and well-adjusted awesomeness last night. It all started when she encouraged her boyfriend, Owen, to become friends with Dr. Teddy, even though the latter is obviously still in love with the former. Owen, clearly tired of the awkwardness between him and his former best friend, gratefully complied with Christina’s request, by inviting Teddy over for dinner with Christina and him.
It would appear that the threesome is heading down the road to a healthy and happy friendship, except for the fact that Christina appears to be a bit enamored with Teddy, as well. “I’m in love with Teddy,” Christina admitted to Meredith, in what was an unusually candid moment between the pair. “I can’t help it, my heart is in my scalpel.”
Christina’s realization came after her and Teddy saved the life of a young lung cancer patient, who was seemingly a lost cause, by performing a highly experimental ex vivo lung transplant on him. The process involved taking the damaged lungs of a recently deceased patient and repairing those lungs during the bypass surgery. When it comes to Christina Yang, nothing is more seductive than a complex and high profile surgery. The thrill she experienced as a result of her victory more than made up for the faux pas she committed when misdiagnosing medical legend, Dr. Harper Avery . . .
We Don’t Know Jackie . . .
. . . but we wish we did!
. . . and we fear we may never get the chance!
Christina wasn’t the only doctor who got a bit tongue-tied when Dr. Avery, a surgeon so famous they named an award after him, arrived at the hospital, as a patient. Most of the staff at Seattle Grace appeared to be just a bit starstruck by this brilliant, if slightly pompous and ornery, man. (The role was handled with aplomb by the inimitable Chelcie Ross, who you may remember as the successful, but slightly pompous and ornery, Conrad Hilton on Mad Men).
“I thought your grandchild’s name was Paris?”
Unlike the rest of the staff, Jackson Avery (a.k.a Pretty Boy, a.k.a. the Hotness Monster, a.k.a the only Mercy Wester I can actually stomach) was far from starstruck by the legend’s arrival. Instead, he was annoyed and uncomfortable. After all, Dr. Harper Avery is none other than Jackson’s grandfather. And Jackson would like nothing more than to live outside of his Pop Pop’s admittedly large shadow. To further complicate matters, Dr. Avery (1) needed surgery; (2) wished for it to be performed on him while he was still awake; (3) and wanted the newly sober Dr. Webber to perform the procedure during his first non-Chief day back on the job.
Nu-Chief Shepherd was adamantly against the idea, but Webber seemed determined to go through with it. Off they rushed to the Operating Room, with Jackson and Meredith Grey (herself no stranger to having to live up to the medical legacy of a famous, but obnoxious relative) both providing assistance. Apparently, Avery is just as big of a pain in the ass on the operating table as off it. The dude just WOULD NOT shut up!
More like a sports caster than a patient, Avery felt the need to detail the play-by-play of his surgery to the doctors performing it. Knowing that Meredith was Ellis Grey’s daughter, he interrogated her regarding whether she would accept a prestigious medical internship from her now-deceased mother, an option Jackson turned down, when it was offered to him by his grandfather. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Dr. Avery went as far as to critique the type of tools Webber was using to perform the surgery.
Although the initial surgery appeared to go off without a hitch, Dr. Avery experienced some adverse reactions during recovery. Webber, fearing that he had botched surgery on a legend, offered to step back from the case, before Avery went under the knife a second time. However, Nu-Chief Shepherd wouldn’t have it. Believing that regaining confidence in his surgical abilities would help ensure Webber’s continued sobriety, Shepherd urged Webber to get back on the proverbial horse, and complete the surgery himself.
Ultimately, the doctors learned that Dr. Avery’s post-surgical complications were the result of his being allergic to the surgical tools that he, himself, had demanded that Dr. Webber use. Thus, it was Dr. Avery who effectively botched his own surgery, not Webber. Fortunately, the second surgery was a successful one. After it, Meredith confrontedJackson, urging him to make peace with his grandfather, study with him, and learn from him, all things that Meredith never got the chance to do with her mother . . .
NOOOOOO! Don’t leave me Doctor Hotness! Let Grandpa Avery take your annoying and sniveling Mercy West friends instead . . .
Here’s my issue with Meredith’s “sage advice.” A couple of reliable entertainment sources have informed me that TWO former Mercy West doctors will be leaving the show ASAP. Since Sarah Drew’s character, April, JUST returned a couple of weeks ago, the actress will likely stick around for at least a little while longer. That leaves three other possibilities for the imminent departures:
. . . this girl . . .
. . . this guy AND
Dr. Hotness.
Two will go, but only ONE will stay. Who will it be?
It’s probably no secret, by now, which one I want to keep around. And yet, Dr. Hotness can’t very well be hanging around Seattle Grace while “learning” and ”training” under Grandpa Conrad Hilton Harper Avery, now can he?
Here’s hoping that this article is correct, which would mean that I am worrying myself over nothing. Because, if things don’t go my way, I might just feel the need to send Shondra Rhimes the fashion accessory shown below:Any questions?
Well, that was our show! What did you think? Are you a fan of the Christina, Owen and Teddy threesome? Do you like Lexie’s new super-coiffed Surgical Barbie look? Are you as freaked out by the prospect of a Dr. Hotness departure as I am?
With all the crappy weather out there I think we should warm it up. Don’t you?
Hey there, or should I say, Aloha? I think if you asked most people in the United States, they’d tell you that the place that they’d most like to retire would be Hawaii. Well, let’s just say one thing. Hawaii is a way of life and if you want to live there, you need to learn a little bit about the people and the language. It isn’t just about volcanoes, luaus, hula skirts and catching the perfect wave. Well, maybe it is a little bit about that, but you can’t enjoy it unless you adopt that aloha spirit first. So take off your clothes, work on that full body tan and sink your toes in the sand.
Want to look up my grass skirt? Want to see this wahine in her bikini? Well let me tell you a little about the 50th state in our union! Come in and join my luau. I promise you’ll get to see me sway my hips!
me: “did you do what i think you did?!”
him: “what do you think i did?”
me: “what did you do!?”
him: “i don’t know. what do you think i did?”
me: “you know what you did!”
him: “did you like it?”
me: “you did!”
charlotte: “what was that?”
samantha: “a preview”
we’re entering new territory, and i’m definitely nervous
. )
Ever since Health Secretary Esperanza Cabral and her Department of Health (DoH) staff started distributing free condoms on Valentine’s Day as part of their campaign to stem the spread of the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV), which causes Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS), she, in particular, has become a controversial figure.
Any questions?
