How much better off would you be if you could foresee and prevent funky armpits, lousy lays and stressful workdays? Here’s your chance to find out!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Cats in heat will cry and whine every night this week, but only when you get good into a deep sleep. Ear plugs, sound proof padding and shot guns will be of no use to you. Try not to cut your ears off.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
All of your bills will be due on any day you have no money at all. Holding up a liquor store will cross your mind more than once. Steer clear of police cars and news reporters. Your left profile is your best side.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You will be groped by a one-armed midget who is seemingly stuck in the Victorian ages. Buy a miniature bazooka. It packs the perfect punch for a feisty pint size.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Your feet will stink so badly this week that you will lose a couple of friends. Don’t worry, those particular friends talked about you behind your back anyway. You should be happy that you have stinky feet. It helped get rid of bad baggage. However, romance is not in the stars for you.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Keep an extra pair of shoes in your carrying bag. You’re going to step in a lot of sh*t this week. Avoid puppies and panda bears. Good luck!
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You will spit on everyone you speak to this week. Don’t be surprised if someone punches you in the nose while screaming the words, “Say it; don’t spray it!” Actions speak louder than words.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
All of your shirts/blouses will have holes in the armpits. You will not be raising your hand because you will not be so sure. Try bathing in bleach. If that doesn’t work, wrap yourself in aluminum foil and start a new fashion trend.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Santa Claus is having an affair with the Easter bunny, which means this Christmas season is looking a little grim for you. Everyone is getting laid except you. Don’t listen to any music that has the lyrics, “…I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.”
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Slow down, pace yourself and watch your back. Leave the burgers alone and get your fat ass on a treadmill. You’ll never get into that bathing suit if you keep super sizing it. You’ll probably start drinking or smoking this week, if you don’t already.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
All of your coffee will be bitter no matter how much sugar you may add. Hold your breath until you turn blue to see if that changes your perception of taste. At least in the hospital, you’ll have an option of apple juice or orange.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Your computer will crash and your cell phone will die, leaving you dumbfounded to the notion of old school communication. Get reacquainted with the power of the pen. If that doesn’t work, get two Styrofoam cups and a long piece of string. It’ll be a hassle, but a miracle worker.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
If you are a naturally born or surgically altered male Sagittarius, all of the zippers in your trousers will stick, exposing your pecker. This may be a good week for late night creeps and unexpected sale prices. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
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Quote of the Week: ”Life is a big ass wheel. What’s down today will be up tomorrow. In the meantime, it won’t kill you to carry around a few extra stink bombs to ease your frustrations.”
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