Heute weiß ich nicht, wie ich anfangen soll. Gestern habe ich einen spontanen Besuch bekommen (: und zwar von ihr. Ich war am Anfang völlig überrumpelt und nervös. Aber es tat richtig gut sie zu sehen. Ich habe sie am Nachmittag schon kurz getroffen, aber eher zufällig, beim einkaufen. Also war sie gestern da, sie hat am Anfang meine GQ durchgeschaut und meine Front. Alles war ziemlich chillig, nur ich war sehr nervös . Nachdem sie fertig war, haben wir uns irgendwie auf einen Film einigen können.. Ich, du und der Andere. Den Film hab ich zwar schon über 5 mal gesehen, aber er ist einfach toll . Ich muss immer noch über diesen Film lachen. Auf alle Fälle, war der Film dann irgendwann vorbei und wir wollten noch einen anschauen, aber wie immer konnten wir uns irgendwie nicht entscheiden . Und dann lief der Film, denn wir schon gesehen haben, irgendwie nochmal. War für mich aber eh schon mehr Nebensache. Ich hatte nur noch Augen für sie und dieses riesige Verlangen sie zu küssen. Aber ich habe mich nicht getraut, hatte wieder Angst, dass ich alles zerstöre. Aber nach einer halben Stunde, dachte ich einfach nur noch ans Küssen und sie. Dann habe ich gedacht: “Was kannst du schon verlieren? Jetzt oder du wirst es nie tun.” Und dann habe ich mich endlich getraut. Mein erster Kuss mit ihr. Unbeschreiblich! Ich hatte das Gefühl, dass ich am ganzen Körper gezittert habe. Im Moment, denke ich nur noch an den Kontakt mit ihren Lippen. Es war unglaublich, ich fühlte mich wieder wie ein König oder schon eher wie Gott
Wir haben uns dann nochmal geküsst, dann dachte ich, ich sollte es vielleicht nicht übertreiben.. Wir sind dann noch auf meinem Bett gelegen und haben Händchen gehalten. (Ich hoffe, dass ich das gerade richtig beschreibe.) Irgendwann vor Mitternacht habe ich sie dann zu ihrem Dad gebracht, wobei ich vielleicht erwähnen sollte, dass wir uns noch hinter einem Busch oder was das ist, geküsst haben.
Ich lasse es jetzt einfach auf mich zukommen. Ob es was wird, steht in den Sternen.
So my 4-month old tabby kitten has a new obsession with picking up his toys (or my stray jewelry), and taking it into the bathtub to play. Strange? For an animal who is supposed to be terrified of water, he sure has picked a funny place to play. That’s not the only thing (as he is shitting once again while I write this), he also enjoys going into the shower after I get out. The cat will sit there right outside the shower door and wait for me to finish. As soon as I step out of the shower, he will jump right in and play with the last drops of water. I guess that’s what you get when you find your pet under the hood of your car after an 8-hour, cross-state road trip.
I’m going to transition into my next topic by mentioning a rabies shot. The rabies shot I didn’t make it up in time to take my little guy to go get this morning. Let’s just say it was a long night/early morning, and I had to be at work for 10 hours today.
So there was a strip club involved in my failure to rise at a reasonable hour to drive my cat to the rabies shot before work. There was a strip club and a long walk. A strip club, a long walk, and many people emerging from my past at various bars in 3 different neighborhoods around town.
Now, this was not my first time at a strip club, but I’m hardly a regular. I just find these erotic human watering holes to be very fascinating. People always interest me: personal interactions, the way they stand, talk, drink, dance, etc… For obvious reasons, human beings at strip clubs are just that much more entertaining than they are in more socially acceptable situations.
This particular night, I had a bizarre and uncommon interaction in the midst of all the scantily clad, emotionally barren women. I had an real conversation. I stood at the bar for over an hour talking to a guy in-depth about a topic. We had a full-on conversation…at a strip club. I can’t remember the last time I had a conversation that long with a guy at a regular bar, much less one where I was the most prude looking woman around. In fact, he kept making comments about me getting too distracted while we were engaged in this chat of sorts.
Don’t get me wrong. This was not a discussion about Middle East Peace or Global Warming. (However, he did make a reference to Obama being President when he checked to make sure that I had at least been laid since January.) This conversation included his suggestion that I meet a random stranger at a bar and have wild, passionate sex, and then never speak again. He reassured me though, that he could take me home and do his thing and never speak to me again just as much as he could do the same with the strip club bartender, however, he would feel bad about doing that to me due to my personal profession choice as compared to hers.
Now, this guy wasn’t a complete stranger. I had actually arrived at the strip club with him and 2 more of my male friends just a few minutes prior to us launching into our intense exchange. He was a friend of a friend who I had just met earlier that night. Despite the crude, forward nature of our conversation, there was something about this guy that I found intriguing. He pulled no punches, and was very honest about the way he felt- even explaining how men often take longer to heal after a bad break-up than women do. This apparently kind of accounts for why they exhibit whorish behavior at times.( Funny, all these years I thought it was nothing more than a combination of testosterone, ego, and boos.) He went on to ask me about how I felt about my body, and what I was looking for in someone else. I again explained to him, as I have with other men, that I am not “looking” for anything. If I was looking for something, knowing that I am an extremely determined individual, I would have already found it in some way, shape, or form. I know what I am not looking for, but I try not to expect to find anything on my own. Situations/circumstances/people tend to find me just fine. I have never been one to search.
That said, and I digress, I am in no way a passive person. I definitely take charge of my life, and I make things happen for myself that I know I want to happen. I just don’t want to base the state of my happiness on my relationships with other people. Do you see the only child coming out in my words? (please nod yes) I am at a point where I am content with myself. Why fuck that up by “looking” for something or someone who would probably only exist in my head? Surprise me people.
This feeling of unrequited like/love/anything… it really sucks. I am so head over heels right now that it feels like my face is stuck in a vacuum cleaner. The problem is that I feel this way about a man who only calls me hands-free when he’s driving. He doesn’t call me at the beginning of his trips either. He calls me at the end…like when he’s almost home so that when we’re just at the point where I figure out something witty to say, he’s telling me that he has to go.
The ridicule. It needs to stop last week. So why do I still give in? Why, when he calls, do I jump at the phone without hiding the reckless abandon in my voice that so clearly gives away my brash obsession that it probably pushes him farther from me.
I have never been so sprung that it hurts.
The worst part is that the one thing that I thought I had in the bag…the sex; I have to beg him for it. We’ve only been hanging out for a month and I’ve already gotten three “Not tonight/I’m tired”. He tells me that we can’t have sex right now because he doesn’t have time and suddenly, those words make me want him even more. I’m so hot for Darren that I would kneel on glass shards in the parking lot of a Seven Eleven just to have the pleasure of giving him a blow job.
I know that I am being fucked with. But I want so badly to believe him when he mind-fucks me, that I actually do believe him. I believe him when he says that he’s just hanging out with a friend who I’ve seen a picture of and who just happens to be a woman so beautiful that her teeth sparkle. She is one of those kept women who could get away with being beautiful and useless…except that she quotes poetry on a regular basis and has an MBA, so she has brains to boot. The fact that they are decorating his bedroom together? I justify that away too.
Darren gives me mixed signals but I tell myself that they are all small acts of love. We watch a show together and he calls it our show which is so cute, I forget that Curb Your Enthusiasm was ever a title. I ignore the fact that he puts his TiVo on pause when I laugh too loud or try to have a conversation. He leaves voicemails that say ‘Calling just to talk’, and I tell myself that he didn’t mean to call at the times that he knew I’d be working. When he introduces me to his friends, I pretend that it’s not so he can pass me on to them three months down the line when he gets bored. But let’s face it; he told me that that is why he wanted us to meet.
Ha-ha.
Lol.
I’m laughing so hard right now that the tears are welling behind my lilac painted eyelids and in a minute my face will start to look like the face of a Russian doll, cracked under a bicycle tire and left for dead on a rainy Portland street with it’s paint drenching off of its face.
I’ve recently found that I’m begging for more than just sex. I want him to hang out with me, and his alligator arms limit all contact to once a week. I bake truffles, enticing him to come over, but he tells me that Sundays are his personal day. I try to talk dirty to him only to be told to that it is a cute but sorry attempt.
I have never had to try this hard and the level of difficulty is exhilarating. It’s like a challenge to win his love. It makes me want him more and more and more and more and more. He’s like a drug. We don’t talk for three days and it hurts me but just as the pain starts to numb, he reaches out…a quick phone call in the parking lot at the grocery store…and I am an addict again. In turn, I feel like a desperate woman: a woman who is insecure. She is a character in a Made for Television Lifetime movie…a girl not like me.
Bishop Janusz Kaleta of Holy See, the Apostolic Administrator of Atyrau was asked if the Vatican’s stand was clearly against gay tourism, the Bishop answered:
“The church teachings are from the Bible. If we change this teaching, we will not be the Catholic Church. Don’t expect the Catholic church to change these issues, because it is our identity.” When asked if the Vatican is open to dialogue about welcoming such homosexual groups of tourists in the future, Bishop Kaleta responded that “such demonstrations are just not ethical.”
The question was clarified to the Bishop that what was meant by gay travel was traveling for the purpose of a visit, not as a demonstration. To this the Bishop replied,
”I consider if someone is homosexual, it is a provocation and an abuse of this place. Try to go to a mosque if you are not Muslim. It is abuse of our buildings and our religion because the church interprets our religion that it is not ethical. We expect respect of our church as we expect to respect that a person does not have to belong to the Catholic Church. If you have different ideas, go to a different location.”
Apparently, child molesting priest are allowed and even excused and hidden as it is apparently respectful of the church if priest molest children?
On one hand you wonder what they’ll not do to get the public’s attention; on the other you’re thankful they’re not posing themselves as friends of the environment and bringing kasoy seedlings to media events.
Meanwhile, five students from Long Beach, California, have been arrested for groping.
My last post about Threadless submissions is about the first design I sent in. I thought our stormtrooper cartoon would look good (I think the image looks much better on the shirt than the other two designs) so I tried that.
The design had too much text on it and was rejected. I was interested in seeing how the whole voting process worked though, so I removed the text and resubmitted.
This wasn’t the smartest thing to do since without any words there’s just a stormtrooper standing there. Who is going to look at this and think ‘It looks like he’s got some sex toys on one end of his blaster and I see how that contrasts with the other end’? No one — except Rob
. Nachdem sie fertig war, haben wir uns irgendwie auf einen Film einigen können.. Ich, du und der Andere. Den Film hab ich zwar schon über 5 mal gesehen, aber er ist einfach toll 
. Ich muss immer noch über diesen Film lachen. Auf alle Fälle, war der Film dann irgendwann vorbei und wir wollten noch einen anschauen, aber wie immer konnten wir uns irgendwie nicht entscheiden 
. Und dann lief der Film, denn wir schon gesehen haben, irgendwie nochmal. War für mich aber eh schon mehr Nebensache. Ich hatte nur noch Augen für sie und dieses riesige Verlangen sie zu küssen. Aber ich habe mich nicht getraut, hatte wieder Angst, dass ich alles zerstöre. Aber nach einer halben Stunde, dachte ich einfach nur noch ans Küssen und sie. Dann habe ich gedacht: “Was kannst du schon verlieren? Jetzt oder du wirst es nie tun.” Und dann habe ich mich endlich getraut. Mein erster Kuss mit ihr. Unbeschreiblich! Ich hatte das Gefühl, dass ich am ganzen Körper gezittert habe. Im Moment, denke ich nur noch an den Kontakt mit ihren Lippen. Es war unglaublich, ich fühlte mich wieder wie ein König oder schon eher wie Gott 
