Sunday, September 27, 2009

Troilus the cougar and the funeral parlour

The petrol pump where the cougar gave me a bad blow job

Happened – August 2009.

Written – September 2009.

I love long boozy work lunch’s because work usually pays, the girls at work become drunk and loose and I get drunk on free booze. When I know there’s a boozy lunch on I just put a line through the rest of my day in my diary. Lunch normally leads into after work drinks which  leads into a long boozy night and then ….. shit happens.

This particular lunch I was already halfway gone by about 3pm as I need to drink copious amounts of alcohol to put up with the dribble that comes out of my work colleagues mouths. Plus the guy who was leaving (hence the reason for a long work lunch) only drinks spirits and who I am to say no to Vodka or Bourbon at midday with lunch?

For some reason only known to the gods when I get very drunk strange shit happens. This particular night I got introduced to some friends of the girls in the office. One girl I met was a goth/emo lawyer, black clothes, black nail polish, black lipstick, everything black. Think Mortisher meets one of the vampires from Twilight. In my drunk sarcastic tone, ” I’m like are you really a lawyer” Her “Yes its my first year out of law school and I now work for such and such law firm”

I’m like “holy shit but you’re an emo? At the end of the day do you go home and listen to My Chemical Romance and do harm to yourself? Quick let me check (grabbing her wrist) where are the scars, do you cry that daddy didn’t love you enough, while you slash your wrists” I went to town on this chick and she just stood there grinning. “What sort of lawyer are you? I’m just shitting all over you and you don’t have a decent retort? I’ve been drinking since midday and mentally and verbally you should be able to shut me down with some awesome argument, but nothing”  She just stood there grinning and then suggested we do shots. Don’t mind if I do!

So when I got bored teasing the gothic/emo lawyer from the adams family, I walked around to the other side of the bar, and this creature steps in front of me, and says ” Are you sure your gay”?

What the fuck?

This thing reminded me of someone’s mum, you know mutton dressed as mutton. probably pushing 50 (49 I found at later) way too much make up and too way to much cleavage for her age. You know the type, her husband left her when her looks had well and truly gone down the drain, and now she was trying to find a man to spend her pension with.

“Why the fuck do you think I gay?”  “Well because you’re the best dressed man here and from what I heard you saying to her (pointing to the emo lawyer) your intelligent and articulate!

Oh I see where this is going insult someone, make them feel insecure and then they try to redeem themselves. I’ve done this hundreds of times to good looking girls with low self esteem. Like fuck this is going to work on me bitch.

So I start hammering this cougar about and what men should and shouldn’t wear and how I wasnt going to change my style or articulation just because some piece of mutton thought I might be gay.

I then went on some sort of tangent about how anyone over the age of 45 should be at home watching The Bill or down at the RSL putting their pension check through the Queen of the Nile. After I had finished my tirade I grabbed a passing gay guy. I had never met this guy in my life but my gaydar is never wrong. I pushed him in front of the she beast and said ” Hey your gay right?”

He nodded sheepishly and  do you think I’m gay? He said no, so there you go beast from the middle east, your gaydar sucks just like your fashion sense and you wouldnt know a straight guy from a gay guy even if they both double ended you at the same time.

After my tirade finished we had a drink and laughed it all off, I have a soft spot for people who still want to have a drink with me after I have just insulted them for 15 minutes. It’s like they can see right through me, they know I’m an asshole but they like me anyway.

So the cougar decides that we need to go to another bar together so we can have some privacy, I’m thinking this is a great idea (wtf?) 

I follow the cougar to another bar that I’ve never been too before, she tells me its a dirty pub and I will love it. I’m thinking great a dirty pub, maybe I can get a handjob at the bar or maybe there are girls giving guys blowjobs in the toilets, awesome I love dirty pubs.

So we walk into this pub several streets away grab some drinks and sit on an old couch. There’s 6 people in the whole pub, I’m like wtf where’s the sluts? Where’s the couple having sex in the corner? 

“This is shit, how is this dirty? There’s no one here”?

Cougar – ” Yeah this is dirty have a look old wooden floor boards, old couches, this place hasn’t changed for about a 100 years”

Thats not dirty thats just old? I want sluts and handjobs and people having sex in the toilets?

” Oh thats what I call a nasty pub, this isn’t nasty, this is just old and dirty” (quite literally) I bit like my company really.

Fuck it let’s make it dirty, I then start making out with the cougar, fuck it if I’m leaving my friends and the emo lawyer to go to a pub with a washed up cougar I better get something out of it. I start making out with her like my life depends on it. There’s tongue and saliver everywhere. I then decide to grab a breast and fuck me there bigger than I guessed and they just may be fake, they are just a little too solid to be grandmas 50-year-old boobs.

So there’s tongue and mouths and my hand up her shirt trying to get under her bra and grab some nipple, if someone was walking past and saw us they would probably think  I was giving her mouth to mouth resuscitation and CPR on her chest.

Shit are these real or not? Just as I go to take her shirt off,  one of the bar staff asks us to leave mumbling something about being too drunk, I’m sure they just didn’t want to see the cougars big saggy boobs. We left yelling at to the barman that were going  find a bar that had sluts, not just six people sitting around waiting for something to happen.

So cougar and I start walking back to town and I see a dark alley, hell if I cant take her shirt off in a pub what about a dark alley?

I grab her hand and walk down this dark alley, at the end of it there are some old terrace houses, fuck people live down here? It was like a step back in time, these old terrace houses are set back from the main road hidden behind some shops and industrial sheds. Most people wouldn’t even know this place excisted,  it had its own private little courtyard at the end of this dead end ally.

There was also this old vintage petrol pump sitting in the courtyard that had been there since the last world war. (see photo)

It was like this courtyard, petrol pump and the houses hadn’t been touched for years and progress had just built around it. Normally the city just demolishes and builds on top, but somehow this little oasis of vintage architecture had survived untouched for years, so there’s me and the cougar standing in this courtyard looking at the vintage houses and petrol pump astounded, then I remembered why we walked down here in the first place.

So I pushed the cougar up against the fence next to the old petrol pump and we start making out again. Tongues and hands are everywhere, I’ve got her top and bra up and boobs out, there pretty big but its dark and I’m drunk and I still can’t tell if there real or not. I had an ex who had fake double-D’s and ever since I’ve been fascinated by fake boobs, it’s almost a fetish now.

So I start undoing her jeans and shove my hands down the front, now she isn’t exactly smooth but she isn’t heaps hairy either, more like someone who shaves down there, but hasn’t for a few weeks. She starts moaning and starts humping my hands, wetness everywhere, standing on one leg the other leg wrapped around me leaning back against the fence. So after she came, well It sounded like she did? We swap positions so now I’m against the fence next to the petrol pump, the cougar is wrestling with my jeans and starts giving me a hand job it doesn’t really do much for me for a couple of reasons;

1 – It’s fucking freezing as it’s the middle of winter and my cock doesn’t want to come out of its warm hiding hole.

2 - After a river of alcohol my cock goes to sleep

3 – Her technique is rubbish.

The cougar realises she is going to have to crank it up a notch if she wants me hard. So she leans over and starts to give me head, its feels good because her mouth is warm but once again her technique is rubbish. I thought older women were meant to be more experienced, I’ve had better blow jobs from 18 year olds.

Because we are standing in the old courtyard/car park she isn’t giving me the classic on the knees blowjob but more bending over at the waist 2 hands on my hips to keep her balance and her jeans around her knees from when I had my hands down there. Then….. a guy walks past….Remember this is a courtyard/car park for the old terrace houses. The guy see’s us keeps walking and has a quick look back…. yep there’s a girl naked from the waist down giving head to a guy young enough to be her son.

It’s now that I realise that next to the courtyard almost directly across from where we are standing is a loading dock at the back of a big white building. Oh my god that building is a funeral parlour, jesus christ fuck me, I’m getting a head job next to the loading dock of a funeral parlour on the set of a world war one drama and there could be dead people only a couple of metres away. I told you wierd shit happens when I get drunk . I think the cougar must have realised that someone was walking past because she came up for air and gave me hug, was this because the guy walked past, or because she felt sorry for me not being able to get a hard on? Who knows but I thought you scratched my back I’ll scratch yours. So I spin her around on the other side of the petrol pump so we have a bit more privacy.  I then pull her jeans the rest of the way down, fall to my knees and get her to lean back against the fence. Put a couple of fingers in side her and ran my tongue all over her slightly bristly vagina. Not my proudest moment. Then guess what? another person walks past! What the fuck? this is a dark back alley in the middle of the night in the middle of winter, and the cougar and I are turning into the local peep show. Not sure who walked by, I just heard her say “there’s someone over there watching us?” I couldn’t see due to her thighs around my head, it being dark and by this stage I had given up caring, as what ever slight sliver of dignity I started the night with vanished hours ago when I left the first bar with the cougar.

So after a heap a of moaning and heavy breathing I stand up we look at each other and realise there’s not much more we can do standing here in public, drunk and me unable to get a hard on. So we get dressed and walk back into town, I decide I’ve had enough excitement for one night and I definately enough to drink, we have a chat about where are we going to sleep. I had a female flatmate who I didn’t really want to meet or even know about the cougar and the cougar had a pet cat. I’m allergic to cats and her cat had just started pissing all over the house, thanks but no thanks.

She chucks me in a cab, I go home and wake up with the mother of all hangovers and a mouth that tastes like the bottom of a bird cage.

Troilus

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